17 February 2001
I've noticed that, over this past six months, I've had quite a few wishes granted. For instance, I enjoy life drawing. I really do. I like drawing naked people, and I'm pretty good at it. Now, I can't afford to hire my own model— no, that's not true. I could afford it: it's only eight to ten bucks an hour; but the problem is this: Could I actually ask some man (I like drawing men, okay?) to come to the house and pose in the nude? No. Not to mention it would seem a bit perverted to the neighbors, if they knew what was up. And then there's the cost of oil. I'd have to keep the furnace cranking or the poor guy would look like a member of Blue Man Group! Not to mention—
Anyway, before the holidays, I was thinking about taking another class. Winter sessions were getting underway, but the cost was prohibitive— especially at Brown and RISD. Hundreds for one short semester. That I can not afford. But then, Lo! and Behold! I got a flyer from AS220 and discovered that they run a life drawing drop in session every Monday evening, contribution five bucks. That I can afford. Wish granted. Neat.
Wishes are tricky things, though. I'm sure you have heard the stories. I try to be a bit careful with my wishes, especially the ones I think are important. But then, there are the ones you can't help making without really thinking about what you're wishing for. You just find yourself saying, "I just wish..."
I've been feeling really rotten about myself lately. Because my face is a mess. I look like hell. Acne. Rosacea. Whatever. I was plagued with bad skin most of my adult life, then I got to a certain age, and viola! it cleared up and stayed cleared up. Mostly. I was happy about that. But now it's back. I could just scream. There's no reason my face should be such a mess— unless...
I think I figured it out. I've been feeling a bit old since my last birthday. I'm not so very old, but there's a lot of white in the hair, and that "stupid line" between my brows, and perhaps the slightest sag— well... From time to time I've found myself looking in the mirror and saying, "I just wish I looked younger..."
And now I do. I look younger. I look like a teenager. I've got acne. Again.
You've heard it before: Be careful what you wish for.
Hmmm... I wonder if drawing naked men will agravate— nah. Those are just stories parents— well, we'll just see, won't we!
Wind and snow flurries. If I'd gotten myself up at 9 when the alarm went off, I could've practiced without the wind. Rats.
I got caught up reading the entries in the previous "volume" of my journal. I'm wondering< Do I write well, or am I merely used to the sound of my own voice?
The sun is out, but the wind is up. I've been listening to the Yin music CD... I should get some more CD's from "Ali Hakkim," a.k.a. my teacher.
Copyright © 2001 New Moon