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30 September 2000

For a while there, I thought the crash had come. The last two or three weeks have been emotionally difficult, what with having to "clean house" and go through all my "old baggage," and deal with all the things that, like that ignored split toilet seat, came to bite me in the ass...

Everything hasn't been solved, nor resolved, of course. That takes time. I believe there are aplogies to make, and some mistakes I've made I will be a while paying for. But at least I know now what the mistakes were and I've learned from them. For the time being, the phantoms and demons have been routed. I begin each day with t'ai chi, and somehow, I don't know how to explain it, I live it, too, and each day joy builds around my heart, like magic. Inexplicable as it is, I thank whatever Powers there be for the gift I have been given, for my teacher, and for these days of grace and joy and magic.

My life seems to be really opening up. Last night, down at the stand, things were quiet and I was doing a few passes of tai chi when a gentleman who was getting ice cream noticed me and came over. He complemented me on my skill in the forms (!) and said I must have a good teacher. I said I did. He asked who my Master was, and I told him, and we got to talking. Turns out Norman is the "honey guy," owns Celestial Offerings Apiaries down on St. Paul Street, the guy Peter gets all his honey for the stand from, and it turns out that "my Master" gets his honey from Norman, too, and--

Yeah, so what has all this got to do with the price of tomatoes, right? Well, there was a time not so long ago my shyness, my armor, and shields, would have prevented me from talking with Norman, or from having a real conversation with him. But now, my world is expanding, I'm meeting interesting people, I mean really meeting them, getting to know them and they're getting to know me, and... my possibilties are expanding...

It feels good to feel I am part of the whole world, that I have a place in it, that I belong, that I'm valued for myself, that, at last, I can go out into the world and feel at home.


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