31 August 2000
If I don't do something about the porch soon, I'm going to have to buy a hammer to keep out there to pound down nailheads-- though, this is the first day they've really bothered me during practice...
I can't concentrate today. Or yesterday, or the day before. And I can't believe how low my physical energy level is. Today. Yesterday. Tuesday-- before t'ai chi class on Tuesday, I thought I was going to fall asleep in my dinner plate! Strange. I only used to get like this when I was working through a particularly bad emotional problem...
I was fine up until about ten days ago. Back then, I was awakening early every morning after minimal sleep, energized and looking forward to the day. But now, I awaken reluctantly, and the first thing I can feel is that chi blockage in my left shoulder. That seems to be the manifestation of the problem. And t'ai chi practice only alleviates it temporarily. What's wrong with me? Hmmm...
Ah! An excerpt from my paper journal, dated 23 August:
... I felt stressed all day today, in spite of the t'ai chi-- or perhaps because of it. I know I'm trying too hard... I'm competing, trying to be better than all the other students, trying to be the star.
I have to admit I've been flogging myself a bit with the t'ai chi practice. Though, except for that entry, I can honestly say I haven't felt competitive with anyone but myself. And, as for being a star, well, I've been there and I don't like the pressure-- hell, I was made "corner" last Tuesday-- that means I'm the person everyone can see when the forms reverse-- and I didn't like that at all. Yeah, it's a complement, but, geez, is there any worse pressure than having the whole class and the instructor behind you watching you wobble?
... For the last few days I've been feeling the want of male company. I miss having someone to go to dinner with, someone to talk and laugh with, someone who I want to look my best for, someone to walk with, to watch a sunset with... a nice man, strong and gentle... someone who wants to be with me.
The worry that the lessons are going to be snatched away is very real to me. That comes from having lost things I've loved deeply many times before. Like Touring Theatre-- and this is touring season-- in fact, tomorrow would be the first day of rehearsal... it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. But I still feel it.
The fall is a bad time. I've lost people and things I've loved in the fall-- found them, too, for that matter, but it's the hurts one remembers most vividly. And I've been feeling the fall in the air. The other day I visited the heron in the pond on on Mowry Street and as I stood in the shade breathing warm summer air, the intoxicating smells of concord grapes and ragweed and goldenrod nearly overwhelmed me with the melancholy knowledge that the summer is drawing to an end.
And I've been lonely for male company. Oh, heck, I talk to men all the time, see them every day at work and elsewhere, but I don't remember the last time I had a date. I honestly don't. But I do remember a beautiful high blue day in the fall when Bru and I were going together, a million years ago. We went to the beach, and built sandcastles, and drank Lowenbrau...
In the back on my mind, there's a worry that I'll never have another date. Ever. Now, there's a thought depressing enough to put a crimp in one's chi...
Crap. There's nothing to do but go vacuum. Too bad that old saw "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" doesn't also apply to dates, cuz I'm ready.
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