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September 2006
01: Friday
A pale, soft day.
I awoke feeling very discouraged. Why practice taiji? Dumb thing to do, isn't it? And who will care if you ever get it right? Why should I want to get it right? What's the point? Health? Does it really make any difference? I don't know. Fitness? Yeah, my legs are stronger, my body a little more flexible, but joining a gym would be better.
I don't know. I don't know why I do this.
Fan shen er qi jiao... I want the "rub" to happen when both feet are in the air...
I want to cover a lot of ground on this move...
But why do I even care?
Tonight the green was set up for a concert. The guy in charge of minding the equipment put on an old Chuck Mangione album, and— for a wonder!— he turned the sound down to a nice listening level...
Some 24 Form... some kicking... some Chen...
A student named Dan stopped by to chat about taiji and martial arts...
I left a little after six.
02: Saturday
Yintien. Cool. Fairly quiet.
Stepping... there's always more to fix, more to learn.
Er qi jiao practice.. I can't quite reach my foot for the slap...
You ca jiao, zou ca jiao... how do I get the "snap" in my hands...? Xiao jei ling jing! The kick is led by the toes...
So much to learn!
I hope that there will come a day when a set of xinjia yilu is as relaxing as a set of 24 Form.
Will I ever know anything?
Will I ever have enough focus to get through xinjia yilu?
03: Sunday
Rain. Lots of rain. Warm and humid.
A called Matt II to come over to practice on the back porch...
I've got a blister on my thumb from the stick. I practiced before Matt came over. While I practiced, I made up my mind that today I would decide on how I'd spell Phillipine/Filipine/Philippine.
When Matt noticed my weapons in the rack by the back door, we had to play with each of them a bit. He had a Chinese tonfa kata that was very interesting.
It bothers me that I haven't kept up with my sai and tonfa katas. Heck, I haven't practiced any of my weapons enough!
Sometimes I feel as it it's all slipping away. Everything. Taiji, weapons— I feel I'm losing it all. I feel I'm only a dabbler who will never have any real skill in weapons.
Okay. Philippines, the place. Filipinos, the people. So it's, Philippino stick fighting— unless there is only one person from the Philippines fighting with a stick, then it's a Filipino stick fighting. Right. Good.
04: Monday
Sunny, cool, and dry. Ice crystal clouds.
My knees ache. Pushing with Matt II. I think we're getting the hang of it... but how can I know?
I have a very nice blister on my right thumb.
Tango tonight was... I'm getting the hand of it. I'm really beginning to know how the mechanics work, both following and leading. Dancing. It's interesting.
I feel bad that I didn't practice today.
05: Tuesday
Mild, pale, breezy. A nice day. Relatively quiet, too. I lit some incense.
Some Chen. It seemed easier to concentrate today. And I went slowly...
On the second set, I repeated moves I wasn't satisfied with— not as many as I expected... But that raises the question of whether I should be more dissatisfied with my form. Should I? Perhaps so. How much detail have I screwed up or elided?
It bothers me to think I'm missing details, misinterpreting details, but... I believe I have the basics correct...
In the end, it's my own practice that will teach me the most, I think— about the form, that is. I will need a teacher again someday.
Some 24 Form...
I think about the moves each time now. I seem always to be testing for coordination and balance— and other things I can't quite name. And yet, I can relax while I do these things. That's very interesting.
But I really need to do more with my weapons.
06: Wednesday
Rain last night, but looks to be clearing. A bit of pale sun seeps through to drip on the porch boards now and again...
My left hip aches. Sometimes I am inclined to berate myself for not working harder all these six years at stretching. If I were a serious martial artist, it would have been my duty to condition my body, I suppose...
But I wonder. What would the difference be? Would I be better at taiji? Or would I just be more flexible?
Hrmph. Perhaps I should've been practicing yoga all this time. Maybe. I hate warmup exercises— or any "exercises" for that matter, and that's the bottom line. For me, it's better to practice the taiji and let the flexibility develop on its own.
I can still feel the muscles on the tops of my knees from Sunday's pushing. Matt and I went deep in our stances!
Dan joined me on the green for a lesson. He's never done taiji, or any but a bit of judo, so I have to teach him the very basics. Qi. Stepping, holding the ball— it all makes very little sense to him now...
I remember that feeling. Don't worry, Dan. Practice. And in a few years and it will all become as clear as mud to you.
07: Thursday
Bright full moon behind a rainbow mackerel sky. Mist and long shadows filling the meadow. Crickets and frogs chirping. Harvest moon. When it rose, it was bigger and oranger than I ever remember. Incredible.
A set of 24 Form in the long monlight of the porch. My glasses steamed up. What a beautiful night!
08: Friday
A beautiful September day. 65º, pale sky, lengthening shadows— two weeks will bring us to the equinox.
Stepping with my tea... It still amazes me how my toes "grip" now, no matter what shoes I wear...
A set of xinjia yilu... so much to work on! It's strange the difference between the moves I learned from Jonas and the moves I learned from the DVD. The method of instruction was the same, that is, breaking each move into component parts, explaining the bejeezu out of each— though I followed the English explanations much more easily!
A set of TCA to stir the qi...
A set of 24 Form, ditto...
Joe emailed the other day to ask how I was. I haven't heard back yet.
09: Saturday
A true September day. Soft, musted, end of the growing season is in the air...
A little stepping... some TCA... I got Paul Lam's video to refresh my memory of TCA and noted how he did yun shou: the feet move out or in with the hand that is sliding up on a diagonla to do the block. Interesting. I remember my instructors teaching this move as more "squared off" and robot-like. I suppose that's the easiest way to teach it to beginners, though.
Some 24 Form, paying particular attention to ward off because of last night's lesson wherein I was teaching Dan about ward off and stepping and parting the horse's mane. It's very different teaching someone who knows so little of martial arts. Matt knew the explanations without being told, so teaching him was an easy shorthand of gestures and keywords. It's interesting, this learning to teach taiji.
I've been noticing: there's a definite difference in the way I move. I feel more balanced, more... more something positive.
There was a move titled "Tango" on tonight. I only saw parts of it— only really cared to see the dancing. It was interesting, but far removed from real world dancing, I think.
Reading "The Geography of Thought," I learned that the Asians consider a story ending where the lovers both die a happy ending because that means the lovers are united in death as they could not be in life. Well! That explains the sucky endings to "Crouching Tiger" and "Hero," et al. If I was the film maker, I'd film separate east and west endings to ensure across the board success, cuz, for sure, there is a difference between eastern and western ideas of happy endings...
But, western endings where both characters die can be happy, too. Take "Remains of the Day." If those two characters had at least killed each other (as in "Hero"), it would have been something to feel good about. I wonder what those Merchant-Ivory guys have as an excuse for their sucky endings. Is it a cultural thing, or a stupidity thing?
10: Sunday
Bru's mom's birthday. Cathy. Happy birthday, Cathy. I wish you well. (She's a nice lady.)
A beautiful day. Sunny, cool and breezy after last night's light showers.
Stepping with my tea...
Some Chen...
No hesitation or mistakes in sequence, but there are lots of mistakes in my forms, I'm sure...
Some days, like today, the Chen frightens me. I know this is stupid of me(stupid, stupid, stupid!), but it seems to be part of my process. I remember being afraid of 24 Form, too...
It's a fear of never being good enough. I have a demon that taunts: "No matter how much you practice, you'll never be good enough and your teachers will scorn you for that!" Parts of me believe the demon....
But most of me knows better.
Even so, there's a dark spot in my heart that feels no one can ever love me because I don't measure up. I know in my head that's stupid, but how do I convince my heart?
Some TCA to stir the qi and calm my fears...
Some 24 Form to remind me I am good at something taiji, if not Chen...
I wonder what I'll be afraid of once I no longer fear xinjia yilu? (If I smarten up, maybe nothing!)
Silk reeling. The exercises Zhang Fuxing described in T'ai Chi Magazine, December 2000 issue, Volume 24, Number 6.
I've worked these exercises on and off ever since I received that issue of the magazine— remember how stiff my stance was then? Today, I looked at the diagrams to be sure I still have the pattern correct. (I do.)
Ever after all these years, my left side is still stiffer than the right. *sigh* Time to get the pattern out and work on that!
Matt II and I had an excellent time practicing today. My stick work is getting better; I'm beginning to get the hang of the techniques and my responses are more correct. Matt has loaned me one of his sticks to practice with. He thinks my broom handle won't give me a good feel for weilding a real stick. He's probably right.
We had an excellent time pushing, too. I'm really beginning to "hear" what's happening,and I'm learning to respond appropriately, too!
11: Monday
Beautiful day, but feels changeable. Cool at 60º with clouds moving north to south on the southeast horizon. Lots of birds today, most sounding like squeak toys, though the crows put their unmistakable two cents worth in earlier.
Reeling silk... even though I've read the instruction many times, I'm never quite sure, so now I just play with it, trying this and that... I do feel the qi...
The clouds seem to be moving up from the southeast now, exactly opposite of their usual path. Rain? Maybe.
Beautiful weather for practice on the green— if you keep an eye peeled for frisbees and soccer balls!
Dan was late, so I put in some time on xinjia yilu... xuan fei jiao seemed to work well— go figure!
A couple of other folk stopped to inquire about lessons. Friends of Dan, I think. But they all went off at six to watch a tun soo do demo, so I ran through xinjia yilu again, working on bits and pieces.
Tango wasn't as much fun as last week, but I did learn a little more. Sometimes, I wish I could afford private lessons. Not because I don't like working with other beginning students, but only because I'm imaptient and know I'd learn faster.
12: Tuesday
Another beautiful day. Clear and cool— the heat came on last night!
Right this minute, I don't remember practicing today. I had a lot to do this morning, and I think I might've snatched a couple of sets of TCA or 24 Form in between, but I can't be sure. I remember being out on the back porch listening to the kids next door pretend sword fighting— primary day and the schools are closed...
I think I did a few sets, wondering what the kids would make of the chang dao.
13: Wednesday
A nice day. But noisy on the back porch. I put off practice.
I had three students on the green tonight. We practiced taiji walking and hand movements, and I took them from opening up to white crane spreads its wings...
I don't know how interested they'll stay in taiji. They're young and the tun soo do may prove more appealing. We'll see.
Joe says he's going to come practice with me. I hope he can.
14: Thursday
Yintien...
Later: A set of Chen, listening to the rain...
Good? Bad? I can't tell.
There was a guy with a staff on the green last night practicing. The staff seemed to be metal, a half inch rod, about 4 and a half feet long. The practice was energetic and involved funning up tree trunks— no back flips, though. It was one of those exhibitions that seemed to be all flash and show. But what do I know? He went his merry way before I could ask about it. Maybe he'll be back another night.
15: Friday
Yintien, but the sun is trying hard.
Silk reeling...
My left palm seemed to sting while making Ahzng Fuxing's circles...
When I changed to double circling with pinned elbows, both palms seemed to sting...
A little tingling is usual, but this is odd. I wonder what's going on.
16: Saturday
A beautiful day. Sunny and cool— though the sunlight has bite in it.
Stepping with my tea...
Three students for taiji on the green last night. It was threatening to rain as it had earlier in the day: the sky was dark lead in color, but the rain held off until the lesson was nearly done, and then it was only a light rain, and not uncomfortable. We only got a bit damp.
Some Chen...
I'll have to time my sets. Now I have no idea of how long one set takes, and I suspect the times vary widely...
Yě mǎ fēng zōng, wild horse part mane; bái hè liang chì, white crane [something] wing: this is how far we have come in the lessons. Each time through, I learn a little more...
"He imagined a sieve, an esthetic sieve, with which he panned for golden laws. A... solution must be both beautiful and useful. Also true for great improvisation in the arts. The trick is not to choose the first thing that pops into your head, but the best. That requires years of technical mastery and learning what's possible, as well as freely flowing ideas, and the willingness to take risks, among other qualities."
— From An Alchemy of Mind by Diane Ackerman.
We look for this in martial arts. Only after years of training can we hope to be able to improvise effectively in using our arts. That's what makes a Master.
17: Sunday
The sky is white, but it's a very nice day— except for the dreadful "classical" music dinning from the "Art Festival" up the street...
What do I realy know about taiji? The question keeps coming into my mind...
And each time it comes, I try to answer it...
"A good teacher teaches what he's been taught. A great teacher teaches what he has learned."
I don't exactly remember everything I've been taught, but I do remember what I've learned. I guess that's good. And I remember how I learned it...
Will this make me a great teacher? There's a good question!
. . .
I've been remembering about Antaeus, the son of Gaia, who got his strength from contact with the earth; and who was defeated when Hercules lifted him up so he couldn't touch the ground...
I have been thinking about all the stories, all the metaphors, and what they teach us.
18: Monday
Another beautiful day...
Stepping... (with my tea)...
Some tracing of the yin-yang symbol, going deep to stretch my legs, loosen my hips...
A set of 24 Form...
Thinking about the coming equinox, about balance, about dynamic equilibrium...
It's all about balance, from your checkbook to the law of conservation of mass and energy. And balance is not a static thing.
Alone on the green for practice. Both Dan and Lynsey had school appointments...
Too warm, but a set of xinjia yilu and two sets of 24 Form...
What do I really know?
Tango was terrible. I couldn't make sense of any of the moves, not as follower or leader. Very frustrating. Nights like this, I want to quit. Pfui.
My hands have ached all day from all the filing I'm doing on Jo's new sign— and from hauling almost two yards of pea stone, bucket by bucket, to fill in the washout under the porch that exposed the house's rubble foundation. That's how all the critters got into the house last winter. They came through the gaps in the rubble. But this winter they'll be stymied. Little critters can't get through that pea stone.
19: Tuesday
Yintien. Clammy. Aaaarrr! (It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day.) Noisy, too. They're taking down a tree across the street... my hands don't ache today, but my left hip does...
I was satching Ben and Thuy dance last night. They just got back from a weekend of tango workshops and were trying our a few new tricks. It reminded me just how much work there is in doing anything well. You can't ever stop working on your kung fu.
I've been reading "The Tao of Tai-Chi Chuan" bu Jou, Tseung Hwa. I'm finding the sections about silk reeling and push hands very interesting, and there are descriptions of Ta Lu exercises for solo and partner practice that I hope to be able to decipher... *sigh*
20: Wednesday
Beautiful day. Sunny, cool, breezy. But the shadows are too long, and one senses that summer is nearly gone.
My left thigh muscle aches in kick with left heel, so today I practiced dynamic kicks to loosen it up...
In Master Jou's book, he says to practice the taiji circle silk reeling with the feet as it will provide training in all the taiji kicks. Yeah. But, have you ever tried to describe the taiji circle in the air in front of you with your foot? Phew! for sure you will be a good taiji kicker if you can do that!
The porch is too narrow for stick practice. Rats. I've got to get the side yard dojo ready.
21: Thursday
22: Friday
23: Saturday
24: Sunday
25: Monday
26: Tuesday
27: Wednesday
28: Thursday
29: Friday
30: Saturday
Copyright © 2006 New Moon
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