One Way: A Taijiquan Journal: January 2006

January 2006

01: Sunday

Quiet. Calm. Cold. The night is full of light because of the snow— just a little, and inch or two. My tracks and those of the neighborhood cats are fresh and clear; those of the dog and his walker are last year's tracks. A very fine sleet is falling now, bouncing off the railings so there's just a bit to crunch underfoot and a faint sound of frying...
One set of Chen to welcome in the new year. An undistinguished set, but some things were very... right.
It's been a rough passage into this new year. For me. The great darkness that came with the solstice has passed, and... I've been healing. Old, old hurts are finally healing cleanly. That's how it feels, anyway. Thank you, Kwan Yin, for watching over me and my dojo so well this year.
I look forward to this new year and to learning the miao dao. I feel in my bones that I'll have someone to practice with soon, for very faintly, not too far up ahead along the path, I hear the thwack, thwack, thwack of wooden practice swords... I think this will be a very good year and I won't miss kobudo any more.
Happy new year to you, my friends. I'm going to bed. I shall dream of long swords and epic sword fights... thwack, thwack, thwack...

Xiao jie ling jing!. The extremeties lead the power. For more than two years I've been aware of the concept, and since I've been learning taiji from Jonas, I've thought I knew what the phrase meant— and I do know what it means. But today, practicing fajing! by the wood stove, I discovered what it means. Today when I practiced fajing! my fingers really did lead. And it felt different...
I'm learning! Neat.

02: Monday

Mild. Gray.
Stepping with my tea...
Long stepping, knee walking...
Some Chen...
I was tense; it made my heart pound.
Xiao jie ling jing!
Later: Fajing! practice by the wood stove. Better. Each time, a little better... Jo laughs at me as I practice, knowing that I'm listening for the same snapping sounds I've told her accompany Jonas's fajing! But she doesn't always laugh, though, because sometimes there is a good snap! to my fajing!

03: Tuesday

Snow day. The air is above freezing and the flakes are huge and the sound is that of melting...
Stepping with my tea...
Kobudo katas today. Bo... there really isn't room on the back porch for the bo, but today I want to practice bo...
My hands remain cold. We know what that means!

Today I refinished my sai. I took the files to them to get the last of that nasty lacquer off, then I scrubbed them with sand. They "sang" to me as I cleaned them, pure and sweet and true... After that I oiled them down, then baked them in the oven. They have an interesting deep golden brown finish now— and the baked on oil should keep them from rusting every time I breathe on them. I wrapped the handles with jute twine. Very comfortable. Excellent! Tomorrow I'll oil my bo and tonfa and nunchaku.
I have come to the conclusion that, like it or not, I am a warrior woman. That seems to offend quite a few people, and scare the pants off others, but I can't help that. It's not my fault they can't get it through their heads that my weapons don't represent violence or a violent nature or any intention of aggression....
And yet, I am a warrior. I have a warrior spirit— I'm a spiritual warrior. I fight the demons of the spirit. And there is joy in this for me. The physical weapons I use are only symbolic. The real weapons are my heart and my mind... I am a fierce warrior, a formidable opponent.
It will be wonderful to learn the miao dao. Think of all the demons I'll be able to slay with 1.2 meters of steel! Or, for now, just over five feet of hand-crafted hickory! It's a beautiful practice weapon, I must say, and I can't wait to hold mine and try the feel of it, try it against another weapon...
Oh, how I hope Kwan Yin will be able find someone for me to practice with every day!

04: Wednesday

Cold and gray.
Stepping with my tea...
Some Chen. Sections one, two and five. Two ends where five begins, so the pieces can flow toegther— well, as much as any of this "flows together" for me.
I haven't got the rhythm and the "melody" of this set in my bones yet. That takes a long time— a lot of repetitions. It's seeping in, though. It's seeping in.
I was remembering today that when I started classes with Jonas, Joe told me I'd have the whole set by World Taiji Day, which was seven months off. By WTD 2006 we might be almost into section four! (Jonas says section three is the most difficult. I believe him.)

05: Thursday

06: Friday

What is wrong with me? I feel as if someone has died and I'm lost in grief. My mind is barely functioning this morning...
Practice seems to make it worse. Two sets of 24 Form nearly broke my heart! Taiji hurts. What in the world can be wrong— ?!
Maybe it's the recent... readjustments I've made to my life. Perhaps those demons I thought I'd "vanquished" are not completely dead, and they're fighting back bringing along bigger and stronger demons to try to get me to surrender my gains and resume the status quo. Maybe I just need to fight harder...
Later:
I stopped for a few minutes at Jo's on the way home. She says I'm "in transition" again. Probably. And I hate change, even good change. But why does taiji hurt? That I don't know.

07: Saturday

08: Sunday

The sun has to work hard to make itself seen today. Cold. There was a dusting of snow in the early morning...
I came in from practice, and then I nearly forgot I did practice. But I did...
Stepping with my tea... deep Chen steps to trip opponents...
Some Chen... I still haven't decided on yun shou, but it's shaping up as three to the left in front, three to the right together, three to the left behind, and three to the right together. On the last, one kicks left and goes into gao tan ma.
I believe I have those moves— gao tan ma— flowing correctly...
I've been taking the split over the knee into the right kick out as one move. The split of the hands circles around to meet as the right heel lands. From there it's one long, flowing sequence...
Hands open to either side, weight shifts to the right leg; then hands circle down opening more and bringing the body around to twelve o'clock...
Fang song and turn palms up, your yi shifting to the left forty-five where your opponenet is...
Hands come in line, fingers up, right hand forward, at nine o'clock to shock the opponent's incoming arm as your weight shifts back onto the right leg, then the right palm continues towards six o'clock as you pivot on your right heel and your left leg moves to three o'clock position. Your left hand come to your tantien, and the right chops to the right forty-five— that's the "pat" I guess.

09: Monday

Clear and warm— 55º here in Shangri-La. A little breeze and the sounds of melting— though the meadow remains white.
One set of 24 Form. I'm getting more and more curious about what David— or another comeptent Yang stylist— would think of my form...
Some Chen...
I worry about whether I'm doing well. I don't have these move in my mind's eye to help me learn— and it worries me that I don't know (and probably will never learn) the applications...
This is a bad time for me. This coming Saturday is the miao dao workshop and I'm terrified that I'll do badly— worse: I won't be able to remember the form afterwards and I'll never have anyone to practice with!
Now this is all just plain silly. Stupid. I know it. I'll be able to ask Jonas about whatever I forget on Tuesdays. But— and this demonstrates just how out of balance my mind is: I'm afraid I'll lose taiji lessons again!

10: Tuesday

Mild again and sunny... beautiful practice weather...
Stepping with my tea... stepping and more stepping... backwards and forwards and deep...
Sai. Just because. Sometimes it seems a break from practice leads to improvement— in some things. Interesting.
Some 24 Form...
You know, I've been reading Chinese Boxing: Masters and Methods by Robert W. Smith again. It's overdue at the library now. I don't want to give it back— I really ought to buy my own copy, but I haven't found one I like. Today I read this:
"William Ch'en would say leave all to the ch'i. Paradoxically, this idea, the epitome of T'ai-Chi, is nowhere better expressed than by Constantin Brunner, a famous German philosopher (in Science, Spirit, Superstition).
With a transformed mind now will you think of what is in store for you: that the storm and whirlwind of motion will come and tear you along towards new existences. Omnia diversis gradibus animate— you are at one with all this. All is truly one in the one dance of motion. This is why all things act upon each other and pass into each other. And that is why all passes in to you and your animateness, just as you pass into all: because all is animated with inner thinking. If you find and realize yourself as part of the entirety of this motion of nature then you grasp nature at the root of her deepest inwardness. It is you who both fulfil and reveal the law of motion in your thinking.
"Brunner end his book as follows:
We renounce the Gusto celeste, we dream no dreams of the sweetest and loveliest of becalmings; we are not— in the the midst of motion— quietists. Rather, in the mightiness of the world we too want to be mighty... we are— in relativity— a part of God, we are divine, and create divinely all things. Our insignificance in universal motion is our grandeur of the One Motion which recognizes nothing as disparate, and no real parting of things. We belong to it so that in all the immeasurable world nothing can happen without us— nor, without us, is it completely One. We are the One in eternity and time.
"T'ai-chi thus is simply the motion, the means of achieving the Oneness of life. It is the actualization of Maeterlinck's beautiful line, 'We live in the sublime.'"
Cool, huh? Reading that made me feel better. Without my balance I've been feeling I'm not part of the world. But I am.

11: Wednesday

Cold and gray...
Class last night was excellent! We met in the "Garage Dojo" at John's. There's no heat, but it was mild— I thought. I didn't have a problem with the cold even when I had to take my shoes and socks off to keep from slipping on the smooth cement floor.
Jonas warmed us up with some bagi exercises that incorporated xiao jie ling jing!, then he showed us the basics of you ca jiao (rub with right foot)— which merely refers to the slap on the foot during the kick. Then we did some sprring using the hand movement from you ca jiao and worked on our footwork. (That's when I had to take off my shoes.)
I have some very bad habits I leaned in kobudo that make it very difficult for me to move easily and agilely forwards and backwards, advancing and retreating. But Jonas diagnosed the problem and gave me an exercise to work on which will correct it. The problem was caused by keeping my weight forward and not having peng in my back leg. The cure is— practice! (Don't take a very long stance, and keep the back leg "loaded" so that when you pick up the forward foot, the back leg "pushes" you forward. Retreating, you have to be able to let your forward toe take the lead and propell your whole body backwards. Easy, right? Practice!)

12: Thursday

13: Friday

Gray and mild...
My morning was taken up with preparations for tomorrow's miao dao workshop. Errands.
I am nervous about the workshop, probably because I want it so very much. I'm so unsettled. I'm not even going to try to make myself practice.

14: Saturday

Warm and rainy. Dark at 6 ayem. I didn't sleep well— there's a full moon behind those clouds...
7 ayem. Time to go.
Later:
I got lost again on the way back, but at least now I have — am learning a feel for the area and I did locate a main highway and alternate route— an investment in failure. The more times I get lost, the better I'll know!
I'm tired, but not exhausted. We hardly broke a sweat all day as there were so many students that we had to work in two groups, eight working as eight watched and waited their turn.
The bokken I was using was very light— lighter in weight than one sai. No danger of overworking my muscles on one of these! (But I do have a bit of a blister on my left palm.)

15: Sunday

Snow, bitter cold, and wind, even in Shangri-La. A big change from yesterday— a 35º difference in temperature, for one thing!
I can't remember the form— the half we learned. If we hadn't had to keep switching off, we'd've had time to learn the whole and there'd've been enough repetition that it'd've stuck in memory. (Jonas did have the class well planned out for timing; he just didn't realize he'd be teaching two classes simultaneously.) Oh, well. *sigh*
I put together many of the bits and pieces, but I'm not sure of the sequence... For sure, I'm missing two transitions, and the spin is impervious to my assaults. Rats!
It's a very neat form. Short, but it'a two person form and it incorporates all the most useful techniques— everything ou need to know about handling the chang dao. One person does the form from the beginning against the other who starts the form in the middle.
It occurs to me to wonder if my other weapons kata could be like this. I remember wondering whey there wasn't a "prescribed attack" to work against when learning to apply the kata— of course there would come a time when you'd want/need to learn withoug knowing what's going to be coming; but, at first, the basics would be properly engrained by constantly practicing all the correct techniques. Then later, free-form "fencing" would be excellent.

16: Monday

Sun, wind, and bitter cold...
The porch is too narrow for chang dao practice. The dining room is wide enough, but the chandelier nearly bought it. Rats!
I still can't unravel the spin. I've lost a detail and haven't been able to reimagine it...
But most of the rest of the form is there— I think. I could be entirely wrong. Won't know until tomorrow.
I wonder if I should order two chang dao...
I find that, now, being rustrated by not being able to remember the miao dao form, I feel a little resentful of the class. Jonas did have the teaching figured exactly and we would've gotten the entire form in one day— if the class had been half the size. I do hope that when he teaches us part two of the form, he teaches it in smaller groups, in a half-day session.

17: Tuesday

Sun... it was 35º when I came out to practice, and now it's 50º January!
Stepping with my tea...
Some Chen...
I haven't been practicing enough. Too much cleaning up to do around the house; but once that's done, I can get back to practicing regularly in the mornings as I'm used to doing...
Chang dao...
I remember a lot more than I thought, but I'm missing two pieces for sure. Still, I worked up a sweat...
I asked David Shaver to order two chang dao for me. I will find a practice partner!
Also today I sent our dues to A.T.A.R.N. Dues weren't required, but Mr. Selby did a lot of work on our behalf, so it was the least I could do. I wonder what progress Tom has made with the crossbow...
Two sets of 24 Form... how good they felt! I am learning.
I think I'll order another bo from Sensei. I will have a partner soon and I'd like to work on the katas and bunkai.

18: Wednesday

Housebound: wind and rain. I had to bring in the wind chimes and batten down the hatches. Fortunately, the dining room remains clear and I can practice there...
Class last night was... I was very upset to begin with and...
Because of stress and fatigue, my spacial dyslexia has been plaguing me all week and I can't "see" or process physical moves that are shown to me. It is very frustrating. Couple that with the frustration I was already feeling from Saturday's workshop and when the guys— all in high spirits— tried to show me the miao dao form at the beginning of class, I felt ready to fly. I couldn't get them to slow down and do it slowly enough for me to "catch" and I felt they were making fun of me for being so slow and so confused. When Jonas arrived, he got caught up in all the fun and gig and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Finally, I said something snippy and they all made cat calls at me— but Jonas corrected my form.
The rest of the class didn't go well for me, either. I was already feeling frustrated, and the complex move Jonas was trying to teach us made me snap at John when he tried to offer me some advice. Jonas snapped at me then, too, saying, "The attitude stops now or the class does." I feel very bad about that. I said I was sorry and tried to explain what was going on with me... that doesn't excuse it...
We did some push hands to end class. I worked with Bob and that was very calming. I learned a lot from working with him.
Anyway, I've "got" the chang dao form and you ca jiao, zou ca jiao, and zou deng yi gen. I can practice. And John hugged me goodnight and we're good.
My left hip ached last night and I couldn't figure out why until I did zou deng yi gen (kick with left heel) today. You think you've finally got everything limbered up and darned if another muscles you had completely forgotten you had is called into play. I wonder how many more I'll discover?
[ Letter ]

19: Thursday

Sunny with wind— mild: 40º. The porch is still damp and slippery...
Stepping with my tea...
Chang dao. The porch is wide enough, but not long enough... I worked up a little sweat... I still have a lot of work to do...
Some Chen...
I got hold of Scott Rodell's book on Yang Family Taiji Jian Traditional "Chinese Swordmanship." Very interesting reading— even though the straight sword is nothing like the chang dao. Still one should read the book.
Later: Jonas sent me a note today about what happened in class. He takes his responsibilities as a teacher very seriously. He was concerned about me, about our class and our relationships with each other as sibling martial artists. And friends. I wrote back and told him all about my frustrations. And I apologized to him, too, for disturbing his class. And him.
Quite unexpectedly during the day, I recalled I had a delightful dream from last night wherein I was dancing the tango with my partner and— we both had chang dao! Oh, my! What a delightful dance it was!

20: Friday

Sunny and mild...
Stepping with my tea... deep steps...
Chang dao... p> I'm winded. It will be a thousand repititions before my muscles remember these moves... it's difficult to go slowly— but I must make myself go slowly so that I don't learn bad habits.
My left leg still gives me problems here. I need to learn to "push off" correctly— too bad this form leads with the right! Rats. Oh, well. Now I will have to make it work...
Practice! (Slowly!)

21: Saturday

Pale sun. Mild. Windy. Humid.
Stepping with my tea... deep steps, minding not to "go over my toes."
Chang dao... slowly... I am wondering about the grip. I'm supposing that, when striking or blocking, the grip should be opposite as with my bo... hmmmm.... There is much to learn here. Later I'll read some more of Scott Rodell's book....
Some Chen... how long it takes to accumulate a thousand repetitions! How many time did I do it today?
I spent some time on yun shou. That's important. The new moves in section three are important, too, but they need a little more time to seep in.
I also practiced my "advancing steps" today. I'm not sure I have them right, but I'll keep at it and check with Jonas on Tuesday. *sigh* So much to learn.

22: Sunday

Beautiful day. Cool and sunny...
Chang dao...
I am terrified that this will all turn out badly— be like the dojo: I'll be wasting my time because my teacher doesn't give a damn about whether I learn correctly—
That certainly isn't fair to Jonas. He's not like that. But... I can't get over the fear I feel...
Some Chen...
As ever, some things improve, some remain elusive.
I want to learn chang dao and bo more that I can express...
... and I am terrified.

23: Monday

Slush.
I can't remember practicing, but my legs feel as if I practiced chang dao and zuo den yi gen.

24: Tuesday

Gorgeous day.
I had to take the Jeep to the repair shop. They discovered a couple of problems, and since it's Tuesday and they had the time, I decided I'd better have the work done, so I waited while they worked— and I practiced taiji in bits and pieces.

25: Wednesday

Jonas arrived early and put out the word that everyone else should do so as well: he wanted us to spend time working out— on our own (sort of)— the second part of the miao dao form...
It was difficult for me to work with the others the way he wanted because they wanted to talk it all out. In kobudo, Sensei wouldn't allow talking, just doing, and I must say that I believe he's right. A word or two to clear up a real problem but work the moves, not your mouths...
I had a pretty good idea of what needed to happen— I actually did learn something in kobudo!— but I'm afraid I wasn't much help to the others. I just kept quiet and did what was asked...
Jonas sat on the sidelines and ate his take-out and kibbitzed while we worked. Finally, he decided we'd sorted out enough of it to suit him, so he showed us the actual form moves— the next five, anyway. It was pretty much the way I figured.
Class was... we are going through the moves faster now. We used to spend a couple of weeks— more!— on very small segments, now we plough through whole moves— two last week!— and this stuff is not easy. It's all new to me and Scott, and a lot of it is Canon Fist besides. Phew! I feel like my brain may break.
But interesting things are happening. I've noticed that I'm learning to relax. Really relax. Last night while trying to work out the new moves, I consciously relaxed my shoulder; then I noticed my back was tense, so I relaxed that. Then I noticed tension in my hips and relaxed that, and then— and then the new move started to work.
I think I may be getting to a new level. Yay!
But I'm a little worried about my technique when it comes to the chang dao. Sensei was — and is!— right about the need to go slowly and get the techniques correct from the beginning. But I'm not sure what the correct techniques are in this form— and I don't know what Jonas knows... For now, I'll just have to be a little careful.

26: Thursday

Clear, cold and windy...
I'm having trouble remembering Tuesday's lesson. I think I'm leaving something out...
Last night I stopped at the dojo and ordered another hickory bo. I stayed to visit with everyone and watched class. Sensei was very busy, so he only said hello to me in passing.
I got to see how the bunkai for wansu has evolved. Now the throw is being done from the back side, and it makes much more sense.
I am reminded again that form is important— while you're learning.

27: Friday

Clear and cold... the crows are tearing up the air today...
Chang dao... I go at this too hard. Too hard. I am still afraid it will slip away— leave me behind in the dust.
And perhaps I should look hard at this lesson...
Princess Leia [Star Wars] put it like this to Darth: "The more you tighten your grip, the more will slip through your fingers."
I need to learn to have a light grip, and a soft touch in all things...
*sigh* So much to learn.

28: Saturday

Sunny and mild.
Bo... target practice, striking at the knobs on the oak rockers... I don't practice techniques enough...
Some Chen... the new moves are hard to feel— and we go so fast in class now...
Chang dao... go slowly—
Gong xi fa cai! Happy 4704!

29: Sunday

Cloudy and mild— 50º. The crows are having a great time...
Chang dao... with the mop handle. I marked 18 inches for the length of the grip, and put a line down the top of the "blade" so I'm sure of where my edge is...
There may not be any left-handed swordsmen in General Qi's army, but that doesn't mean left-handed practice isn't valuable...
I'm still trying to figure out how swords "work..."
And I need to do a lot of technique practice with all my weapons. I've been neglecting that...
Some Chen... gao tan ma through whatever the heck we went through. I think I'm missing something, but...
Slowly and softly, piece by piece... it begins to come together...
Fajing! practice... but not fajing!, not really. I was actually just practicing being relaxed and moving my hands quickly in shun chan or ni chan. That comes out as fajing!— though there's probably more to it I haven't discovered yet.
It's all very interesting lately...
I hope our practice swords arrive soon.

30: Monday

Gray and cold and fog. One or two crows calling. A melancholy day.
A little— very little Chen... I think I know what my hands are supposed to do; I can identify the lie (splitting) energy, but I'm not sure what the rest of my body is supposed to be doing...
Today I keep thinking about how silence can kill. Words are very powerful; they can kill. But it's a cleaner kill than silence. Silence— withholding words someone else needs to hear— is like forcing someone to suicide...
Surely the karmic punishment for silence is more severe than for all the shouted abuse ever uttered.
...
I see silence as a mirror. One that magnifies all the doubts, insecurities, ugliness of whomever it's used against. A very strong person might not be much harmed by that, but some poor, vulnerable person who was asking to be heard... standing there all naked and uncertain, and then to have the mirror of silence unveiled and be suddenly confronted with the reflection of one's own pitable self... that's killing. And unforgivable.
And yet, in martial arts, one is trained to use the enemy's mind against him. Use his self-doubt to distract his skill, to strike at his spirit. No wonder those in training must work diligently to build up spirit as well as physical skill...
There's a life lesson there.

31: Tuesday

Cold and gray. Water diamonds on the trees... I watch my breath...
Stepping with my tea... chang dao has revealed the weakness of muscles in my left hip. Today I feel the ache; but in a while the aches will go away; strength will replace weakness...
Chang dao— a little, left and right...
Some Chen, soft and slow, gao tan ma to wherever we are...
As ever, some things make sense; others don't.
Later: No class tonight: sleet and freezing rain.