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July 2005
Summer Moonrise at the Pine Tree Dojo © 2005 New Moon
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01: Friday
02: Saturday
It's dark on the porch. But if the sky was clear I'd be able to see dawn stealing up behind the pines on the eastern horizon.
My right heel aches. Kicking. It's not a bruise exactly, and I can walk on it— though I look as if I'm doing an imitation of Walter Brennan when I first get up and until I get moving— Hrmph. You'd think this time of night it'd be just me, the fireflies and the cops out and about, but my screwey neighbors are up, too. *sigh* At least they didn't turn on all the flood lights.
I've been thinking— or writing, maybe... yeah, writing. My head is working on a story, and ideas have been triggered by my practice. It will be interesting to find out what sort of story is shaping up.
Last night— Thursday— in karate we did a bit more kicking on the bags (hence the sore foot). Sensei is bound and determined we're all going to learn to kick correctly!
Sensei sat us down to talk to us last night, too. What was that about...? Ah, yes: asking questions. It still bothers him that people ask questions about the how of karate techniques. He made a joke about Sam having used up all his questions getting to his present rank of shodan. It was funny, and Sam took the joke in good part, but I feel for him. He was always asking exactly the questions I was wondering about...
I haven't asked questions at the dojo in a long time. Not many, anyway. But if it weren't for Jonas and Joe and my years of experience all having in their turns answered my important questions, I wouldn't yet have a clue as to how to figure out the answers to how the techniques work on my own. I'd still be very much at sea in karate. When you don't have the physical experience of the moves, you've got to ask questions. It's only after you've learned how to think about what is happening physically that you can leave off asking questions and have a hope of discovering answers through your own efforts— and practice.
Of course, if you are someone whose approach to life is naturally physical, you probably think I'm nuts. Maybe you even think I'm just being stubborn and too analytical— you might even condemn me for refusing to "let go" of the intellectual component, and tell me that it's my refusal do so that's hampering my understanding on the physical level. Nuts to you. After all these years, I know it's not stubborness, or a bad intellectual habit; it's the way my brain is hard-wired for assimilating physical connections. I need the mental input the same way you need the physical. Next time you want to tell me what my "problem" is, ask yourself how often your teachers told you that you could figure something out "if only you'd think about it a bit more."
Earlier I went looking on the Internet for info on kuji-no-in [kuji-in] (a method of focusing the mind, the will, & the subtle energies to specific intent) when I came across an essay "Kata As An Esoteric Practice" by Gary Gabelhouse. I found it very interesting. As for kuji-no-in, there was an article Kuji-In and Kuji-Kiri by James Deacon on All Energy-Therapies Web (www.aetw.org). It was also very interesting. (If you go looking and the pages have disappeared, let me know: I saved copies of the essays.)
Later:
Sitting on the back porch, drinking a Tsingtao that could be colder (if the fridge wasn't broken), trying to decide between a small, normal, quiet life, and... the extraordinary. I think I made my decision years ago... I think there's no going back now...
03: Sunday
Stepping with— and without— my tea...
Chen stepping, sinking low to kick out... I haven't been working hard enough or consistently enough at this...
Kicking à la Jonas...
Some 24 Form... three sets... snake has changed a lot now that my legs are stronger. Today I found myself sliding over to balance on the extended leg, then rising straight (sorta) into Golden Rooster...
The really interesting thing about 24 Form now is that I've reached a point physically where I have options when it comes to executing the moves. But I don't have a teacher, so I get to experiment. I may never find the "correct" way to do any of the Yang moves; but then, I've often made remarkable discoveries simply because I didn't know much about whatever it was I was doing— if you don't know a thing is impossible, there's nothing to stop you doing it. This should prove very interesting.
Some Chen...
Three sets of section one, glad that I'm as strong as I am, frustrated that I need to be stronger. I was tense throughout in spite of consciously trying to relax and "go softly." I'll practice more later...
It's a gorgeous day. Sunny and cool— with normal humidity. What a relief!
Later: Still tense. A shame, considering the perfect practice weather and the quiet. Later...
04: Monday
Gorgeous day: 72º, sunny with a breeze...
Practice today was bo kata. I do know the kata, but... they make me nervous, so I don't perform them well. I do know how they're supposed to be done— when I can relax and just do them without worrying that every move is going to be changed or corrected to death. Then I enjoy the kata, and I enjoy working on them.
Ma and I are going to Jo's for a cookout. I'll take my bo.
05: Tuesday
Warm and getting humid...
Barefoot Chen. The only move I won't do barefoot is Sleeves Scatter the Plum Blossoms. I suppose I'll have to paint the porch one of these days, and replace boards, too. Then there'll be no danger of slivers... But I'm afraid the day is pretty far off.
Some Chen. I have a thousand questions, but practice is surely they answer to almost all of them. Even so, I wish I had someone to watch and follow along with in that practice. Just seeing someone else's interpretation of a move frees one from the rut. It gives a fresh perspective. I am very tired of my lonely, boring, rut...
Hrmph. Maybe I should put the question of how to get out of the rut to the rest of the class...
Since Lorna's away this week there was no taiji class, so I took advantage and went to a makeup class at the dojo. Officially it was orange and blue level, but Sam and Chrissy and Fern and Istvan and Diane and Rebecca were there, so every level but yellow and white was well represented. It was a very good class. Still, I might have resented missing taiji except that on the way home from the dojo, the clutch in the Jeep quit. I had to call a tow, but I was only 50 feet from a pay phone and two miles from my garage. I was told there'd be a long wait for the tow, but then the cops came by and speeded things up. The tow truck guy lent me his phone and I called Lew for a ride— and I was home before dark. I feel pretty lucky, all things considered. I could have been in the wilds of Connecticut in the dark when the clutch went south.
06: Wednesday
07: Thursday
Cloudy and cool. The crows are very upset by the hawk. The hawk is smaller than them, and all alone, but it's the crows who are on the defensive. Their caws have a gargling quality now— hoarse crows! They haven't given up; they're still trading attacks with the hawk, but between attacks, they're sticking close together in the apple trees... I wonder why neither side will give ground today? What's so important? Fledglings?
A little 24 Form...
I think I did a little Chen yesterday (it was a nice, rainy day) between calling around trying to arrange transportation and waiting for calls back— it will be Monday before they can even look at what's wrong with the Jeep. But I lucked-out again when the loaner the garage has became available, so that's okay. The plate on the loaner is QI 850. Qi. As I practiced today, I wondered, What did Jonas's teachers teach him about qi? We don't talk much about it in class...
Karate. Good class. Lots of bunkai and no bag kicking. My heels are grateful for the rest! I enjoyed the bunkai.
Trading emails with taiji class, Jonas said we should be prepared to ache next week when the Blue Dragon emerges from the water. I haven't the foggiest idea what the move looks like— but I bet it's way cool. It's a Canon Fist move. I told Jonas to bring the liniment.
08: Friday
Rain and cool...
Some 24 Form because I needed to feel the qi...
The sets felt good. Execution was imperfect, but the qi flowed...
Some silk reeling... qi...
I've lost my center, but feeling the qi helps. I wonder, When will I feel the qi in xinjia yilu?
09: Saturday
A very changeable day— cool... but less humidity would be an improvement.
Pie shen chui give me a pain. Literally. A pain in my left hip muscles. I really hate to have to practice for the purpose of gaining strength, but, it's that or quit. The techniques will come all the more easily if my body is in good condition.
I do feel some stirrings of qi in the Chen moves, but... the qi is... more subtle? I think more mastery of technique is required to tap the qi in this form...
It gives me to understand how someone could practice taiji for many years and yet remain unaware of qi.
10: Sunday
A beautiful day. Sunny and 72º. There's a bit too much wind— but why quibble?
Some Chen. I feel heavy as lead. Because of all the stress this week, I think. My mind and body can't quite let all the problems go...
Some silk reeling— a lot of silk reeling. Different kinds, but mostly the tracing of the horizontal yin-yang symbol while in forward bow stance. My left hip and ankle are noticably improved since the last time I did this exercise, but they still lag behind the right side.
I've been neglecting the stepping exercises. The Chen stepping with its kicks has been strengthening my legs and hip muscles. It really doesn't do to neglect this.
I've been wondering why my feet are bothering me so much. They must be acquiring a new level of physical development, I think. If that's so, then in a while the achiness and stiffness will dissipate, and I'll stop hobbling around like Walter Brennan, and then— then I'll have a few weeks before something else begins to ache!
11: Monday
No taiji practice today. I got up very late and had to leave early for work. That's no excuse, of course, but I can't be pushing myself constantly.
Karate and kobudo tonight. Kobudo was mostly bunkai for shima ijiri bo ichi. Karate was... bunkai for wansu. I need to work on the throws.
Sensei had us do seisan tonight. It seems like months since we did that kata in class— but I didn't have any trouble with it.
I also did ananku well, I think.
As I was watching others do wansu, it occurred to me that if you let your body come up in the shuto block you lose all your power— I mean the high shutos in the first section. You've got to slide in and get the timing of the step and the block exactly right. I don't quite have it, but I know what I need to do, so— practice!
12: Tuesday
Gorgeous day. Sunny, dry and warm.
I'm exhausted. All I could manage was a few sets of TCA. What's wrong with me? I did a little stepping, but everything ached and seemed to be on the verge of being over-worked, as if any more would cause real injury. What gives?
Cool and dark. The quarter moon's light can't reach through the leaves. There are a few fireflies abroad, and a star or two is visible. It's a quiet night.
A little Chen. Yan shou hong quan through pie shen chui. Part of me says I haven't practiced enough; part of me says I deserve a break— after all, there isn't any hurry.
I went to six o'clock karate class tonight as a makeup for the Thursday class I'm going to miss because taiji got rescheduled. Tuesday class is a good one. I was next to Sam tonight for kicking drills, so I just made myslef keep pace with him and let my body try to ape what he was doing. I think it helped me a lot. I was faster and I didn't think. When it came to the sliding-cross-behind side kicks, I lagged at first, then I just let myslef go and I covered the length of the mats in record time. My kicks may not have been perfect, but now I know I can make some speed and do a reasonably good series of kicks.
We did some take-down exercises tonight. Simple stuff— and yet, not so very simple. As with all applications there's alot to think about and a lot to work with. these take-downs were meant to... deflect a fight...
Someone grabs your wrist. Twist your hand around to grab your attacker's wrist (shun chan or ni chan, whatever works!) so that you can pull it across his body; meanwhile, step on his foot (the one on the side you're pulling his hand towards) and push him backwards. (I do hope he doesn't have keys in his back pocket.)
Or someone grabs at you from the front with both hands. Deflect his arms to the side (across his body) while stepping around behind to keep him turning. As you turn him, keep the arm you pushed on high so that it will cross and pin his other arm. When you're behind him, grab that high wrist and the low one, too, if you can, and pull him backwards and down and roll him so his arms are pinned under his body.
Class was a lot of fun— and it was all good stuff to know.
13: Wednesday
A rush this morning to get to the dentist. No taiji practice.
Tonight I went to a makeup kobudo class. This class is regularly only for black and brown levels. It was good to see the katas done by experienced people. It's hard to imagine what the katas are supposed to look like when you never see any but unranked people doing them.
I fluffed a few moves in 'tonfa ni. I made mice feet of Matayoshi no Sai, it having been so long since I've done it right. I mean, I knew I didn't have it right, but since there's never anyone around to ask, I haven't been able to get it straightened out. But tonight Sensei had Rob and Kevin do it with me a few times and I have it now— for now. I'll keep practicing, but—
If I get "stuck" again, finding someone to ask is difficult. Either there's no one who knows the kata, or the ones who do are busy teaching or taking class. Used to be there were more folks of all levels hanging around the dojo and you could ask. Not these days. Where have all the dojo rats gone?
14: Thursday
Taiji...
15: Friday
Hot and humid— though, there is some breeze.
Blue Dragon Comes Out of the Water is what Jonas called this move. It says "xia yan shou chui" on my list and is translated as "the lower fist covering the hand," which sounds about right. I like Jonas's name for it better. More imagination. Whatever you call it, it's a pip of a move. There's so much detail. I can see that I'm going to be working on this move for quite a while before I begin to "get" it...
For instance, when you're in ma bu and shifting your weight, you don't just sink, you fold your kwa and that takes you lower, and then, as you shift, your knee has to describe a little arc that takes it around to stop over the toe. This is so that your knee can go behind your opponent's leg and give a nudge that pushes forwards... in this move, all the "gears" have to work together.
I believe I've remembered all the moves... But I won't be able to bring them all together any time soon...
The application we worked on last night was similar to the karate application: block the incoming punch by pushing the arm across the body. But, instead of spinning the pinning as we did in karate, what we did in taiji was block and punch to the groin. Then we did some variations on that.
Okay. Block the incoming punch with the near arm. Your hand is a fist and you shun-chan so your arm rolls along the opponent's upper arm to push it aside and drive it across his body. You step behind your opponent's leg at the same time, and either control his knee with your knee, or just "pin" his foot so you'll have leverage...
Once you've pushed the punching arm aside, you can elbow your opponent in the ribs, and follow up with a groin punch—
Meanwhile, your other hand—
[Here I was interrupted.]
16: Saturday
Humid, but cool enough to be bearable. The cloudiness helps— and the light breeze.
Some Chen. Blue Dragon Comes Out of the Water...
I'm only just now figuring out the coordination... the weight shifts are tricky— but nothing compared with the places in the move where you don't shift! It's so easy to move, so difficult to control the motion and the stillness.
...
I've been running the application through my head, working the variations— I need a partner!!! Aaaaarrrrgh!
To continue...
Your other hand: dragon claw: palm cupped, and fingers spread as if you're holding a large sphere. As soon as something passes within the sphere, the claws close and grip...
One fist/arm is blocking the punch, the other is going to strike as a dragon claw, either at the opponent's kwa or soft side spot or axillary tender spot. It can be done as a shuddering move or a hard fast hit. After that, get the hand back quick so that it can be used for protection...
For instance, if your other hand is going to go in for a groin strike, you will need to transfer the dragon claw up to control the elbow you've just abandoned to make the groin strike...
I have to go. I promised Jo I'd help with the herb apprentice class— since I didn't hear from Jonas about practice. I hope I'm not missing push hands practice at Peaceful Wolf.
17: Sunday
Yintien. Humid and warm with a capricious wind. My new tuned wind chimes sound very mysterious.
Odds and ends today. I began stepping with the intent of stirring up the qi, and was surprised to find how strong the qi was. I played with Yang hand and foot movements for a while, then went to Chen... which evolved into serious fang song and side kicks...
After that, I did two sets of 24 Form— which finally gave me to understand how to go about working the qi in my Chen form! I can't explain it here. Yet.
Next, I went and got the bag of sand under the porch and tried to clean up my sai. The humidity this summer coats with rust the moment you set them down. Bruce suggested I put lacquer on them, but I think I'd rather bake on a non-stick, non-rusting finish— but that will mean redoing the handles... which wouldn't be a bad thing as I've always wanted to wrap them with jute... I got the sai cleaned up a bit and wiped 'em down with some WD-40 for now.
Matayoshi no Sai. I believe I have the whole kata now. I spent some time working the turns... I enjoy this work. I'm learning a lot...
Couldn't remember 'tonfa ni. I have the first section and the last, but can't remember the transition in the middle that leads to the lunge-block mid section. Rats.
18: Monday
It's the middle of the night. Cloudy. Hot. Humid. No fireflies. Just me and the wind and the blue dragon in the dark...
Sometimes I feel understanding is just a few more repetitions away; I know I'm "on to something," but— it eludes me...
The other night Jonas said, "Forget the taintien; forget xiao jie ling jing: just move as a single unit." Guess we're going for a "unified field theory" now.
The hot, humid, overcast night, has become the hot, humid, overcast day.
A little Chen. Blue dragon— very softly, almost a sketch of the moves...
I do not have the coordination— yet. It will come.
I wonder if I'll be able to go to the Team Trials for the USAWKF in August. Joes says he's going to compete. If the admission fee isn't too dear, I'll go.
Kobudo was me and Bruce working on the bunkai for chounokun. We had fun.
Karate was kumite. I'm getting better at it.
19: Tuesday
It's late... early! Hot and humid. The thunderstorms around supper time helped, but it still feel sticky. There's fog in the meadow because of the drop in temperature. The near-full moon is out, orange and low in the southwest, but it's behind the maple leaves.
Blue dragon. Ching long chui shui? Qing long chui shui? I can't find "blue" in my dictionary. Long is dragon. Chui is "fist"— isn't it? And shui is "water." I asked Jonas for the words and he gave them, but I didn't get the pinyin. *sigh* Jonas always seems so impatient when asked about the Chinese, that I don't press for more information. I find it odd that he is impatient with this... but perhaps there's a reason I just can't fathom— or perhaps, to him, the Chinese names are just very unimportant.
Bob and John weren't in class tonight, but they already know the move, so we reviewed, then went on to the next move, which is a variation on six sealing four closing. Very neat. After that, we pushed...
I did better pushing tonight. I feel better about it. I'll get it— one of these days.
I did remember to ask about what it means to be "double weighted." I doesn't mean your weight is equally distributed, it means you've got yourself into a position where you can't move.
Morning. Sunny. The humidity has dropped enough to notice, but it's still hot...
Last night after class Joe and Jonas and Scott and I stood around talking for a long time... but not long enough. Shoes and ships and sealing wax— and whether pigs have wings. (It is Tuesday, after all!)
Blue dragon...
20: Wednesday
Another moon to write by. It's pale gold like like a moon shell in a milky blue sky... It's quiet tonight: everyone's exhausted from the heat of yesterday maybe, and they're finally getting some rest tonight.
Some Chen. From the beginning up throug blue dragon. My legs are tired. I got in some practice while waiting for computers today, and now a little more, coupled with class yesterday and practice this morning— why am I surprised that my legs are tired?
My feet have been achey in the morning. I thought it was from kicking the bags, but now I think it's a combination of building strength, the mats at the dojo, and taiji.
I wish I could stay up and play in the moonlight, but I need rest, too. The heat made sleep uncomfortable the last few nights.
21: Thursday
Sunny and warm with bearable humidity. The crows are down under the apples trees, pestering each other, but quiet about it.
Two sets of 24 Form. Good sets, but the snake's creep was awkward: I'm in another transition because of the blue dragon... It's probably time to do some static practice of snake.
Today my "Yang orbit" ended one board to the outside of beginning on each side.
Some Chen. Section one...
I keep readjusting my position on the porch so that I have room to move. I get too close to the railing to begin walking obliquely...
Today I tried to feel the qi. Part of my "problem" is that there's so much going on in the form that I don't have a chance to feel it. I know it's there, but I'm not at the relaxation point yet...
... there are two hawks playing in the thermals...
22: Friday
Another incredibly gorgeous night. This is the Thunder Moon. It's cooler now, around 65º, but the himidity is still high, so it feels warmer.
The moon is bright white in a milk blue sky, casting deep shadow stripes through the railing onto the porch. A few fireflies are abroad, but it's quiet (except for the neighbor's pool filter). I put some music on...
Chen stepping... I was watching Jonas in class and noted how he let himself sink deep before stepping...
Some TCA, just for fun... tonight it's working very well... I must remember to ask Jonas about the application for Lazily Tying Coat...
Yin-yang circles with my arms. My horse stance got deeper and deeper as I went; my circles got more and more precise....
Silk reeling... keep the elbows pinned! Again I sank very deep— I was surprised to find how deep I could go and not feel the strain of keeping my torso upright...
Again... again... again... again... again...
Splitting practice in yan shou hong quan. Tonight I had it right. The qi was between my fingers and I was relaxed and — it split! Then my hands— still led by the fingertips— darted like silver squid into the double wrist strikes. It was beautiful to watch in the moonlight. Magic.
Again... again... again... again... again...
Yan shou hong quan through blue dragon...
Better...
Fajing! practice— the one after dan bian... I stayed very relaxed and it seemed to work well... I practiced to both sides. (But the left hand is a little stiff going to the right.)
I wish I could stay out all night practicing.
Karate tonight was fun— and I was lucky enough to catch Sam after his class and have him go through Matayoshi no Tonfa Ni with me. Turns out my problem was that I missed a turn. Thank you, Sam!
Bunkai tonight. Niahnashi nidan and pinan sandan. I think I am doing much better... It was fun, anyway.
Angie's back from Okinawa, but I didn't get a chance to say hello.
Before class some of us got to talking about rank testing. It seems none of us has a clue as to what the testing procedure is now. There hasn't been a sign up sheet posted, and Sensei has been awarding belts green and brown informally, here and there. We don't know if he's decided to do away with the formal test process— we did wonder whether he now just considers us all to be in a constant state of being tested and so he intends to award rank when he feels it has been achieved. (A good idea, if you ask me. Then everyone has to be doing his best every minute, instead of only when being scrutinized for promotion.)
Of course, this all led to another discussion of how incomprehensible we all find Sensei's criteria for promotion. It bothers people that promotions seem so ... arbitrary. Sensei has spoken to us about his "reasoning;" the "criteria" for promotion are posted on the bulletin board, but... many of the promotions remain a mystery to the majority... and that's a shame because it gives rise to all sorts of unflattering comments. Every time there's another unexpected promotion, you'll hear, "Oh, so and so only got promoted because of this 'reason,' and so and so only got promoted because of that 'reason.'" The "reasons" range from pity, to favoritism, to self-interest, to to self-preservation, to ego— all unflattering, but all entirely comprehensible.
But let me be very clear here, this speculation is almost never engendered by jealousy. No, it has its roots firmly planted in misunderstanding and incomprehension of the person who is in charge, namely Sensei. Most of the people at the dojo aren't the jealous type, but they have wit and humor, and this wry speculation has been going on since I joined the dojo. There's a full litany, a compiled chronicle of all the incomprehensible promotions that have occurred over the past years, that gets recited whenever there may be a new one to be added to the list. It's become a dojo joke of sorts. Most people don't believe that these "reasons" are true— and even when there is a some question, those who have been promoted have performed well enough over time to live down any unflattering rumors...
Even so, each time an "inexplicable" promotion happens we shake our heads and repeat the litany... then we have to laugh at ourselves because— we just don't know the reasons. We want to trust Sensei, but we have no information to help us understand Sensei's decisions and... it's a matter of trust.
Why isn't Sensei's integrity trusted implicitly? Why is it is possible to believe that Sensei might not always be scrupulous in his decisions? I remember Sensei saying once, "When your name is on the dojo, you can pretty much do what you want." Jon and I thought it was just a good joke at the time and we laughed about it. We both understand that having your name on the dojo means precisely the opposite: one must be entirely scrupulous; there is no room for self-indulgence. Does Sensei understand this? Unfortunately for Sensei others don't, and what he said that day has become part of the litany now.
Sensei is imperfect. He can make mistakes. Like the rest of us. Like the rest of us, he has a lot to learn. He's growing and changing every day, just as the rest of us do.
I believe Sensei is someone who wants and strives to be both scrupulous and trustworthy— I have always believed this, even when I believe he has made a mistake. I know he knows about this "problem" of being misunderstood and untrusted. And I believe he's working on it. I believe he's working towards establishing his character as both scrupulous and unquestionably trustworthy. I believe it, but I can't prove it. And my testimony carries no weight since I can't shed any light on his reasoning process, can't offer proofs.
I sure don't envy Sensei. I've had my own problems with being completely misunderstood. It's a hard road to tread. How, after all, do you prove you are honest in matters that are purely subjective judgements? You can't. Even when you know you're both scrupulous and trustworthy, and you know that your character and your intentions are being misunderstood, you still have to contend with the onus of just being human. As a fallible human beings, even though we may sincerely believe we are being scrupulous and honest, there is always the chance that we are fooling ourselves, that we have a blind spot. Human beings can screw up even when they have the best of intentions. Sometimes good friends may help us to see ourselves clearly. But, if you set yourself apart as Sensei has done... does Sensei have friends who know the situation and feel free to comment to him? I don't know. I hope so.
I feel for you, Sensei. But be assured, ultimately, I do believe in you.
I wish I knew how to help you. But, for now, all I can do is keep making sure that everyone I talk to knows that I believe the "litany" we repeat is a joke, not a reality.
23: Saturday
A gorgeous day... but I can't get it together.
A little stepping... a little standing... a little reeling of silk...
A little meditation...
Much later:
Matayoshi no Sai and Matayoshi no Tonfa Ni in the cool dark...
I have 'tonfa ni, but in the very last two punching sequences I feel I want to add steps. In the sai kata, I've lost — maybe— a move in the sequence leading to the second neck strike. Is there a move between the third side swipe and the neck strike? I can not remember... but it seems very awkward to go from the side swipe directly into the neck strike. When doing that, the left arm seeems to flail.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
24: Sunday
I don't feel well. The day is gorgeous, but...
25: Monday
I am sick.
Beautiful tonight... white mist in the meadow. I wish I could practice. I missed kobudo and karate tonight. Rats.
26: Tuesday
Warm and sunny, and the humidity is bearable, and there's a breeze. I feel a little better...
Six or eight slow sets of 24 Form helped a lot. I feel I'm on the mend and can go to work... but I am sure that if I did not have taiji to look foward to tonight, I would stay out sick.
Taiji.
A small gathering tonight: me and Tony and Joe and Lorna and Jonas. Bob and John on vacation; Scott in rehearsals.
Jin bu shang tui shou and san huan zhang: step forward and push, then change palms three times. The step and push move is almost exactly liu feng si bi, but— same thing, only different.
I've been thinking lately that I am missing something in liu feng si bi, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think the problem is that I didn't have the coordination right, and I was forgetting about letting the chest and shoulders relax to get the downwards elbow strike. I remember that now, but I don't think I ever had the coordiation right.
In this move, the blue dragon has just come out of the water: you're on you left foot, right foot forward and empty. Your left hand is a horizontal squid near your tantien; right hand is palm up and centered at chest level match-blocking whatever is incoming. You've got tiger body...
Both hands ni-chan out, arms opening wide, stretching your chest open, then circling in to either side of your neck. When your thumbs line up with your shoulders, sink and kick your right foot out to land toe up, door closed...
When your hands are by your neck and foot out, relax your shoulders to drop your elbows down; at the same time begin pressing your toe down and push with both hands down and in the direction of your right foot. As your toe goes down, shift your weight over to the right foot, then circle the left in and around to land "empty" at the rear forty-five...
Now you're going to change palms. Shun chan both hands— as in liu feng si bi— so they're palm up, left hand forward, right middle finger pointing at the left wrist. Now, the left hand moves downwards, closing into a squid while the right ni chans to a position above it. Now...
I'm very tired. Finding words is difficult now. Tomorrow.
27: Wednesday
Hot and humid— with a breeze. Sunny, but the sky is hazy.
I still don't feel as good as I could wish. If I had sick days...
Change palms three times... From the push...
The space between your hands should be centered over your right knee. Shun chan both hands up as in liu feng si bi, then the fingers of the left hand draw it downwards into a squid, while the right hand shun chans above it, palm towards the floor...
Now, bring the squid back towards you slightly and push your right hand fowards slightly...
Now, turn the squid downwards by bringing the wrist up while shun-channing the right hand downwards turning the palm perpendicular to the floor...
Now the squid "swims" forwards, towards the forty-five, opening flat to press, and the dragon mouth of the right hand comes back to touch the left elbow. Block or strike. Very nice.
Some Chen... one set of 24 Form to make me feel better...
Last night in taiji we pushed. And Joe and Jonas made sure I learned something. When I was pushing with Joe, he kept telling me to respond, and when I said I hadn't a clue as to what my response should be, Joe and Jonas rallied to teach me...
It's very strange this listening stuff... You "hear" not only the other person physically, but yourself as well— and you hear more than the physical of yourself— at least I did. Last night as I was struggling to "hear," I "heard" myself saying, "You'll never be any good at this, so why don't you just give up? Why even try? Walk away and tell yourself you don't care." Well—! No wonder I was having a hard time learning to push.
I used to do that, walk away. It was years and years ago. And I thought I had cured myself of it. I remember wanting to quit taiji at the beginning because it was so difficult and I felt I'd never be any good at it. But I didn't quit. I kept on.
I didn't realize that "demon" was still around. I didn't know it was trying to make me give up on push hands. But now I know, and, exposed to the light, it has been rendered harmless. I don't think this one will bother me again. I hope not...
I wonder what else I've been "saying" to myself, all unaware. I think I need to do a lot more listening to myself and find out what my own heart and head are saying.
Some sets of 24 Form...
Some Chen...
28: Thursday
The summer goes too fast. Queen Anne's Lace and hawkweed abound; they're the turning point of the summer. It's nearly August...
No practice this morning. I didn't go to work yesterday. I'm needed at work for a while this afternoon, but I haven't decided yet whether I'll go to karate tonight...
Later.
Cool and dark. The old moon is rusing to the east and peeking through the fir tree, spying on me here on the porch...
Some Chen...
I am angry today. I hate that I'm so bad at everything. Taiji, karate, kobudo. It seems I learn most moves but never learn to do them well—
And yet, the other day when I needed the healing, 24 Form flowed and worked and healed me.
I am still not fully well. I need rest.
29: Friday
I took the day off. No practice. I had obligations to myself and to my friends that did me more good.
30: Saturday
Cooler. The light is odd: I feel as if I'm under an umbrella— not because I'm on the porch. Even out in the yard, shadows are diffuse and the sunlight seems far away to all sides...
"In the middle way, there is no reference point." — Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart. "... lonliness doesn't provide any resolution or give us ground under our feet. It challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is called the middle way, or the sacred path of the warrior."
Stepping with my tea...
Today was Ma's last sword form class. They start Sun style next week.
Sai and tonfa... I have both katas now...
The kata are very interesting now that I know a lot more about applications, about thinking in terms of defense and attack; but I have a long way to go yet in learning martial arts.
I have a tendency in my kobudo katas to... move too much— too exaggeratedly, as I used to do in taiji. So. I've got to learn how to "make the moves small" here, too...
San huan shang: change palms three times. This move bears a remarkable resemblance to the rotating blocks in Matayoshi no Sai. Very interesting.
In the sai kata, I have to keep reminding myself to keep the punches very short— and the double punch and upright block—! I have to slow that down and make the moves separate and distinct; I've been mushing them together...
I still wonder if I've dropped a move out of the back section of Matayoshi no Sai, just before the second neck strike... let's see, what's going on in this sequence... high block and swipes across... okay, could be this opens up the opponent for a neck strike to work... I don't know. Pfui.
Qing long... san huan zhang...
TCA... what is the application for lan zha yi? Let's try it Chen style...
31: Sunday
Ma is 85 today. Yay, Ma!
Cloudy twilight, cool... quiet...
Some 24 Form to warm up... nice and slow...
We went to Jon's for a cookout this afternoon. Jon's going to be back at the dojo as of tomorrow. Sensei suggested he don a white belt and give himself some time to reaclimate. Jon's quite happy to comply. He says he probably won't get back to kobudo for a month or two.
Some Chen. Section one through san huan zhang, slowly, trying to feel the qi...
Low and slow. I could feel the qi, but, my oh my! was that set a killer for my legs! In some places, that is! Worth it, though. Going slowly builds strength and qi...
Section five, trying to be light and quick...
Not quite. But some places are improved. Other places, I have questions...
Copyright © 2005 New Moon
With thanks to my martial arts teachers:
Jonas Sanchez School of Indiscriminate Grappling (Xinjia Yilu), Andover, CT
Dennis Branchaud / Dennis A. Branchaud, Branchaud Dojo, North Smithfield, RI
David Tymecki / David A. Tymecki, Dalant Studios, Harrisville, RI
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