Letter

8 March 2006

Dear S--,

Again, thank you so much for taking time to write to me.

It is with very mixed emotions I contemplate all that you have written to me. But be assured I am not offended. Not at all. I am grateful. As I read, part of me wanted to laugh, and part of me wanted to cry.

The laughter came from my realization that we have all been victims of the most absurd series of miscommunications I have ever witnessed outside of a stage play.

The tears came from the realization that you-- and Jonas-- may never be able to bring yourselves to believe that an unintentional comedy of miscommunication is what happened.

Funny as it might seem in a stage play, I am apalled by how my words to you were perceived in this real situation. I am equally apalled by how I seem to have misheard much of what was said to me. But, for all of that, I am relieved to have the situation explained. Since Sunday when Jonas called, I have felt like Alice down the rabbit hole. He told me I had said things I knew I'd never said, and I couldn't figure out how or why he would think I was capable of saying-- or crazy enough to have said-- such things as he said I did. According to him, I had told lies-- such as implying we had dated-- and done this within his hearing. I did suggest to him that there may have been misunderstanding, miscommunication but...

I asked Jonas this, and now I ask you: Why would I jeopardize my relationship with my respected teacher by being obviously and intentionally rude and nasty to his girlfriend? Especially when he was standing right there next to me.

And Jonas was standing practically next to me the whole time we talked. I knew he could hear everything. For me to behave in such a manner would have been an act of deliberate destruction, the deliberate destruction of all the respect and friendship we had built so painstakingly between us. It would mean the loss of the friendship of my classmates and the loss of the classes that I love. Not to mention the destruction of my own self-respect...

I can not imagine ever doing such a thing. Ever. And I had way too much to lose. And so, if I did not do this deliberately, how did this sorry situation come about? I can only tell you that I don't remember the early converstations the same way you do. I don't. And that's the truth.

As to my perceived demeanor, I am... at a loss. I thought I was smiling as you all arrived. I thought that I smiled at you when you came and introduced yourself. Indeed, I was grateful that you had done so. It hurt me that Jonas had introduced you to everyone else in the kitchen when you arrived, but had seemingly avoided introducing you to me, and so you introduced yourself...

I was very uncomfortable at the party. I do not like parties, even when I am well-acquiainted with the guests. While I can be at ease and very poised in business situations and on stage and at meetings and in class, I have a very difficult time with parties. They are my bete noir, an unfortunate legacy from some very bad family experiences.

I was not going to attend the party. But it was Jonas's cheerful, "See you Saturday!" in his email to me that convinced me that I should go. Not out of obligation, but because his friendly remark convinced me that my friends really did want me to be there. And so I pulled myself together and came. But I was uncomfortable. And now I don't remember much about the party except an unsettling feeling of desperation that that only began to dissipate while you and I sat talking at the end of the night about Kyle and the ADD and I began to feel I had finally gotten my feet under me again and things were okay after all...

When I left the party, I remember saying good night to you, saying that I was glad to have met you and meaning it. I remember the wine box and saying, "Don't let Jonas forget this." I remember Jonas calling out "Goodnight!" and feeling relief that, somehow, we had gotten through the evening, and now he was okay and I was okay and it had been a good night after all.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and I drove home happy. I stopped at my mom's and told her all about the party, and about how nice Jonas's girlfriend seemed and what a good time everyone had...

But, evidently, that isn't how everyone else was seeing things...

I do remember being completely flabbergasted by you saying that you had never even seen taiji. That truly shocked me. And I know I made much of that. Too much, and I knew it. But, to me, that was-- and is-- incredible.

I don't remember as clearly as you seem to how our conversation went, but I do remember that when you said you might come to watch taiji sometime-- tell me, did what you remember me saying sound something like this: "No! No, no, no, no, no! You must NOT come to watch--!" Because I remember saying that, and saying it just that way, becoming rather theatrical in character. But that wasn't the end of what I had to say. I was just getting started.

I remember that the kitchen was very noisy, and that people were moving among us, and that I was very nervous because of my stupid comments about you never having seen taiji, and I was feeling distracted by the people and feeling like an idiot-- and I was doubly nervous because I knew Jonas was listening and I felt... I felt I was sinking somehow...

But I also remember finally turning back to you and continuing what I had been saying with, "You must come JOIN our class." I meant that invitation sincerely. Because that's how we all feel about taiji: we want to spread it around, recruit new players-- especially women.

So, put it together and you get: "No! No, no, no, no, no! You must NOT come to watch--! No! [pause to do something] You MUST come to class. You must join our class!" Something like that. When you get to know me and learn about my theater background it will probably make more sense.

I have racked my brain, but I don't remember what point I may have been trying to make about Jonas being a "warrior." I do remember that I felt I was babbling then because I heard myself say it more than once. Whatever it was, I know it didn't have anything to do with dancing. The dancing part I do remember.

At this point in the conversation, as I remember, you were talking with someone else, too. (Lorna? Bob?) And I heard you say while I was turned away to get a drink, that Jonas had said he wanted to go watch one of your Jazzercise classes. And I heard someone ask if Jonas could dance, and I heard you say he could. And I remember turning back to you then and saying, "I know he can dance," and I was going to tell you the joke, but Scott interrupted and then... then we were talking again, and I remember that you were telling me that you and Jonas liked to dance on dates, and I wanted to tell you the joke, but you were saying something else, and I'm not sure what you were saying because I couldn't really hear, but then we were interrupted again...

And so I lost my opportunity to tell you the joke. You see, I do know Jonas can dance. Quite a while ago, he showed our class a conditioning exercise. Two people face off, and then they slam their bodies together, hip and torso, alternating left side and right side, in a kind of "dance." He used me for the demonstration. He showed me what we were supposed to do, and then said, "Let's dance!" I asked him if he liked to dance, and he said he did, and then we started. Well, Jonas and I slammed sides and my teeth cracked together so hard I thought I'd broken my crown! We kept going, though, and I kept my mouth shut, teeth together, and it was a great exercise, one I've always remembered as "dancing with Jonas."

This all seems so crazy to me-- the party, I mean. So unreal. And yet, I know it happened. I know you won't believe me, but I have a reputation as a very friendly, kind, and easy to talk to person. I have friends who will vouch for me and my sanity-- and for my company manners and behavior. People who have met me for the first time, even under very trying cirucmstances-- and that is how I meet most of them since my job is crisis intervention for computer users-- have said how relaxed and comfortable I've made them feel. I get on well at formal functions at Brown, talking with all the bigwigs. I used to hang with the former First Lady of the State of RI...

And so I am still at a loss as to why this party was such a disaster for me. All I can think is that it meant too much to me and I was trying too hard...

When I talked with my friend Cindy about all this, she pointed out that part of my "problem" was that I felt from very early in the evening that Jonas was angry with me, but that, at the time, I didn't consciously recognize that it was anger or that it was directed at me. I think that's true. I remember that I kept trying to re-establish our usual rapport while he was making the sushi, but that I kept getting rebuffed. And, of course, that made me try all the harder, which, naturally, made him more and more angry, which made me try all the harder, which...

You have a degree in psychology I believe you said, so I bet you know how that works.

I have told you how kind Jonas has always been to me. And I've told you how he has seemed to open up to us all in the past few months. When he knew I was having troubles recently, he came to me not just as my teacher, but as my friend, out of concern, and he invited me to talk to him, saying his friends told him he was a good listener. He allowed me to talk and he listened...

Recently, he had told me that we are "family-- like it or not." All of us, not just him and me. Taiji family, bound together by the love and the discipline of taiji...

I never had a family where I felt I "belonged." Not until I found this one and Jonas invited me in. It meant a lot to me to finally have a family to belong to, to have "big brothers" Joe and Jonas to look after me a little. It felt good. Maybe that's why the party made me so nervous. I felt I had to prove something and... it all went wrong.

I'm sure that is how Jonas feels, too. It all went wrong. He was hearing what you were hearing... But I could ask why, instead of assuming the worst of me and allowing anger to get the better of him, he didn't draw me aside and say, as the friend and big brother I believed him to be would, You sound like an idiot and you're embarassing me! What the &*&^%$ hell is wrong with you? And then, of course, we could have gone on to straighten things out.

There is still much for me to think about, much to figure out.

Thank you for taking time to help me-- us?-- figure this all out. Your input has been invaluable.

There is a saying: Someday these things will be a pleasure to recall. I hope that saying proves true. I hope that someday this will be a very funny story we will all tell about what happened when I met Jonas's girlfriend for the first time. And I hope the tears then will be from laughter. But, perhaps, the best we can hope for is to arrive at an understanding of what happened and why, and take some comfort from that.

Once again, S--, thank you. If you have any further insights to offer, I will be glad to hear them.

--L--

Copyright © 2006 New Moon