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September 2005


Lizzie Formidable © 2005 New Moon.

Lizzie Formidable © 2005 New Moon

"Middle age approached...
but it backed off immediately
at one look from Lizzie."

01: Thursday

One set of 24 Form before setting off with Ma...

I got to the second golden rooster and— and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what to do next! Truly the brain is a mysterious thing.

As I lay in bed last night, I found myself running through xinjia yilu mentally. I wonder if it helped. But practice will have to wait today...

Just now I was practicing being light on my feet. The yan shou hong quan sequence. I'm getting more loft on the turnaround jump, but there's still a light, distinct "thump-thump" on the diagonal shift jump. Got to get that down to a single "thump" — and get rid of the "thump," too, if I can—

Time to go to work.


It's nearly midnight. I've been out on the porch practicing since a little after ten. I probably did a lot of futzing around "between," but there was a lot of practice in there, too.

It's cool, but muggy— and yet, the stars are clear and bright. Practice made me sweat like a pig.

Dao juan heng, step back and whirl arms. I nearly gave up on this one. I was on the verge of emailing Jonas more than once. But then I remembered: I do have a martial brain now! So I kept on working the move...

I worked from the point where the blue dragon comes out of the water, where you're on your left leg, right foot ahead in empty stance, right hand doing an insertion block to center front, left hand at tantien...

Hands circle around to the neck— liu feng si bi— into jin bu shuang tui shou (push with both hands), into san huang zhang (change palms three times), into zhou di chui (fist under elbow), into dao juan heng...

I have no idea how many times I repeated the sequence... no idea. Lots.

At first, I couldn't figure out the ni chan, shun chan, ni chan of the arms that makes the nasty arm pop— we're into the section of the form where we're dealing with multiple opponents now, so...

You change palms three times, then you strike at your opponent's philtrum (center upper lip) with your left thumb (your hand shun chans fan-like into a fist with the thumb on top)...

A fist comes at you and your left hand ni chans out, around and down to pull your opponent down and left as your right hand (which was hiding under your left elbow) strikes at his jaw just below the ear at the same time your left foot slips back to provide you with distance and balance.

Now both hands ni chan down, opening and splitting, then they shun chan up, then...

Your erstwhile opponent— or another— is there in front, grabbing or throwing another punch. Again you fade back (close you kwa) and ni chan your hands to hit his outstretched punching arm at elbow and wrist, breaking ("Pop!") or, at least, shocking his arm...

Another opponent comes from the forty-five with another punch or grab, and you repeat the sequence from tht pull and strike through the arm break...

And then again with the third opponent.

About the twentieth time through I stopped thinking about how the ni chan split went through shun chan to ni chan again long enough for my body to get it right. After that, I just kept working the moves.

In class, Jonas had us do a distancing exercise. We formed a circle, one person in the middle. The person in the middle put his hands behind his back and the others tried to punch to his center. The rule was that the punchers had to really try to connect— being careful!— and the punchee's job was to move back fast and far enough to avoid getting hit while also, by moving back, forcing the puncher to over-extend— and the punchee also had to maintain a solid stance that wouldn't yield to a follow-up punch. It was an excellent exercise.

Dao juan heng. I might have it nearly correct. My martial brains are starting to work. Yay!


02: Friday

Today I can feel my leg muscles. No time to practice this morning: work calls.


03: Saturday

Beautiful day. Sunny, cool and breezy.

A set of 24 Form holding the 3-pound weights. My left shoulder was tiring by the end...

A set of Chen holding the 2-pound weights...

Holding the weights makes you very aware of where your hands are... I wonder now how well— or badly— I did in keeping my elbows pinned...

Some long stepping— da bu? Easier today.

Han bo and bo katas. At last I am understanding how the moves work— martial brains. For instance, the turn to the rear forty-five after the front jab: there are different ways to handle the bo and your stepping, depending on what's coming at you. The step can be an advance or a retreat, the block can be a low sweep across or a more dynamic insertion and block. Depends. And for each there's an efficient way to handle the bo. Cool.

I went through all my bo katas. I think I had them right, too...

As I went, I felt a certain ... freedom to move and experiment that I haven't felt before. I feel that way in the taiji as well. Must be the curiosity of the martial brain is awakening. Cool.


Later. Cool and dark. Across the river I can hear faint music from someone's "End of Summer" party. The stars are bright and the frogs and peepers and crickets are singing.

Some Chen...

I've got the 3-pound weights on my wrists. Hard to get the hand moves with the weights on...

I wonder if I've even come close to having dao juan heng correct...

A set of 24 Form...

The weights made my left shoulder very tired...

Some creeping practice. Some stretching. I'm still a long, long way from taking up wushu.

This afternoon, between odd chores, I went out on the porch and danced. I was listening to Rod Stewart's American Songbook album while I worked. I sang along, too. My dancing ws a combination of taiji and ballroom I guess. Oh, how I wish I had a partner!

Someday I am going to coreograph that taiji tango.


04: Sunday

Beautiful day. Warm. The crows are making a racket...

Oddments. "Da bu." A little stepping... stretching.

Bo moves... the turn in shima ijiri bo ichi from the front jab to the left rear forty-five...

There are a couple of ways to handle this, as I say. I still prefer sending the bo end-for-end in an arc from forty-five to forty-five, but a sweep works, too. It depends on what's needed.

Shima ijiri bo ni has me puzzled.... No, it's got me thinking. There are these "butterfly blocks" where the bo is vertical and you block low-end to the left and right letting the bo pivot at the center, then you turn to your left and do the same blocks again; then you step into a side strike. I've always found this section of the kata very confusing— awkward! Almost terminally awkward. But I've foudn two way to clean it up...

One is to do the "butterfly blocks" then let the bo's end come up to the left so the bo is horizontal and I can slide my left hand out to prepare for the next "butterfly" and this time use the horizontal position to accomplish the side strike...

Or I can control the "butterfly" more— but that defeats the technique...

Whatever. I can make the transition work now. (Yay, martial brains!)


05: Monday

Another gorgeous day.

I can't remember this morning's practice. All I remember is the practicing I did at Jo's this afternoon: san huang zhang, zhou di chui, dao juan heng... over and over and over...

Tomorrow night I'll find out how close I've come to getting dao juan heng correct. It's very difficult to get my foot and my hand to "arrive" together.


06: Tuesday


07: Wednesday

Cool, dark night...

Dao juan heng... I had it somewhat correct, but I was turning my hips when stepping back to strike and block. Keep the hips straight forward.

So. Zhou di chui. Your fist is under your elbow; your left hand shun chans to the front closing into a fist with the thumb on top aiming to strike the opponent's philtrum... (Your stance closed tightly on the strike.)

Now the left hand opens and ni chans around to control and pull the opponent's arm down and to the left while the right hand come up to strike under the ear as the left foot moves back to balance the energy...

Now you're in a wide forward stance, weighted to the right...

Now both hands ni chan in, splitting from the center, opening up your chest... your weight shifts back towards center so you're in ma bu with your hands low, palms outwards, fingers towards center, chest open...

Leaving your wrists in place, shun chan your hands over so they're palm up as you fang song...

A strike comes from the front— your body is oriented to the forty-five and the strike comes obliquely from the front—

You shift back to avoid getting hit— and also to force your opponent to over-extend in trying to make his punch connect...

While he's over extended, you ni chan your hands up to strike the outside of his elbow and the inside of his wrist, to break his arm...

Hmmmm.... this is where another opponent approaches... do they all come from the front? I have to work this out...


08: Thursday

Beautiful day. If only I were free to enjoy it.

I'm so confused by dao juan heng. So confused.

Some long stepping...

Some short, low stepping...

Maybe I'll have time for practice before work— if Ma's errands don't take forever.

One set of Chen in the shade at the farm. The qi flowed and the set felt good. That's something.

The day is so beautiful— so late summer, it almost breaks my heart. Where has this year gone?


09: Friday

Yin tien. Cool.

A little stepping with my tea...

Lotus kicks... much better...

A set of 24 Form to settle my... I ended exactly where I began.

I wish I had someone to practice with, to talk with... to speak my broken Mandarin with.


10: Saturday

Stepping...

A little Yang...

Some Chen...

Yan shou hong quan, trying to be quick and light on my feet— and sounding like a herd of clumsy elephants!

I need to relax if I want to be able to jump high and come down lightly...

I still have questions about dao juan heng.


11: Sunday

Some 24 Form... very slowly, very relaxed...

I'm still not creeping correctly, but I am coming closer than ever before...

Bits... and pieces...

Lotus kicks (much better)...

Stretches... and squats...

Making a little progress every day.

It was a beautiful day. Ma and I went down to Pacheco's for coffee and stayed for supper. (Waffles!)

On the way home, the sunset was so colorful that I took Ma for a ride up and around Round Top, then we stopped at the park and went up and watched the sun set over the pond. The water was calm and mirrored the sky. The fish made ripples...

Once Ma and I sat at the middle school on a Friday night and watched thunderheads build. One night after taiji we drove around and watched an incredible full moon rising...

Sometimes you've got to do things like that.


12: Monday

Cool and breezy— for now. I can feel the heat coming. The sun seems so low...

Some stepping... some stretching...

Some Chen... dao juan heng isn't right. I haven't got the trick of it...

My feet are wrong, my hands are wrong, my balance is wrong...


13: Tuesday

I never did get around to mentioning the sword routine Jonas showed me and Scott last week before class. It's a short routine, only five or six moves that circle around between the two players...

It's these two-person routines that make me feel so alone. Wish I had someone to practice with.

Later.

It's foggy and dark. Cool and clammy. Crickets.

I'm still trying to work out tui bu ya zhu...

We played a little with the sticks before class. John and Lorna knew a similar routine of Philipine Stick Fighting, but this one— Jonas's is a broadsword routine... he went over it with me again and showed more of how the sword "works." *sigh* No one to practice with.

First thing Jonas did in class tonight was an answer to a question that's been nagging at me for a while now: why don't the moves where you have to bring your trailing leg in or up feel right?

Well... it's a matter of leaving the leg behind, of having done the move in a two parts instead of one. At the beginning of the form, there'a place where you turn your right toe from the front to the right as it leads your turn—' lu. When you get there, your left leg comes up. The trick is to keep the left leg active by pushing off with the toe even as the right toe is pressing down— it's like a teeter board, the balance has to be maintained.

Most of the time I've thought of these moves in two parts, and done them that way. That's why they've never felt right.

Dao juan heng, tui bu ya zhu... these are very difficult for me. I've just barely got the first worked out, and the coordination of the new on is... hard.

Maybe if I can practice it a thousand times it will begin to work for me— if I can remember how to do it correctly.

Practice.


14: Wednesday

On the way home from Ma's tonight I noticed a shadow in the street and looked up at the street light to see. There was a huge spider web between the utility wires, and in the cetner of the web, one big, bad spider. A big, solid one. An inch or more in size. Wow.

No practice today.


15: Thursday

Pudge, Cindy's husband died today. Please watch over her, Kwan Yin.

Fog and warm: humidity 100%. Yuck. Dark.

San huan zhang, zhou di chui, dao juan heng, tui bu ya zhu. Over and over and over and over...

I was considering sending a note out: "This is NOT my favorite move!!!" But I kept going.

Finally, I achieved something I belive resembles these moves...

I can see Jonas demonstrating. I can see his qi, the pattern, the weight shifts... The trick is to duplicate it.

When I was completely drenched and my glasses fogged up, I quit. A little progress every day.


16: Friday

Dark and rainy. Mist gives a little light. Humid.

Some Chen. I hate these moves— the newest ones. I think I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I feel awkward and inept. Am I moving correctly? I don't know.

Maybe in a few years this will make sense.


17: Saturday

Dark and dull and clammy. Yuck.

I'e been wondering about something. Last week after class we were talking about how complex the move was and Jonas said, "Makes you wish you had two weeks between classes." I said, "No. Class every day!" At the time I couldn't imagine why anyone would want more time between classes.

Classes are different for Jonas. He's at a Master level, and if he takes classes, he's being given material that is only beyond his experience, not beyond his capability. If his teacher gives him an exercise to practice, Jonas, understandably, wants to perfect it before going back for the next class.

My sitaution is a little different. I have some experience and some capability, but it's still easy to outstrip one or both. I want to see my teacher every day because I'm worried that without constant guidance I'll stray from the path.

But that's only my feeling. The truth is I did a pretty good job of staying on the path when I had no teacher. If Jonas went away, I could carry on and continue to make something of what he's taught me.

But I'd miss him something awful.


18: Sunday

Beautiful day. Sunny and cool. A relief.

The bottoms of my feet have been tingling from time to time the last few days. I used to think the feeling came from kicking the bags, but now I know it's just from the increased use they're getting in my taiji practice.

Cháng = long
Bù = step

Cháng bù, long steps... stretching...

Two sets of 24 Form. Creeping is in transition again because of the stretching. How could I have not known how stiff my left hip still is?!

Some Chen... *sigh*

No remedy but practice.


19: Monday

More beautiful weather.

Some Chen...

I still don't know the form well enough to be able to just concentate on making it flow. Some of it does, but, the newer moves cause me to stumble.

Even so, I'm getting stronger eery day, learning a bit more each time I practice.

Dark. The moon is behind the pine and the porch is in shadow. There's mist in the meadow and the air is cool...

I feel as if I'm missing something important in dao juan heng. Something isn't right...

I'm going to bed.


20: Tuesday

The moon is past full and very high. There's light in the meadow, but the porch is dark...

Tui bu ya zhu...

My luck was in tonight and Jonas arrived right after I did, so when Scott asked to be filled in on what he missed last week, I joined in. Jonas worked with us for over half and hour and got me straightened out. I do understand what I'm supposed to be doing, but just now in the dark and on my own I wonder— worry that I don't remember enough.

In class we went on to the next moves. Fajing! strikes. Very neat. Let's see...

Tui bu ya zhu: You're on your right leg, left leg behind at the forty-five balancing out the strike you just made with your right hand to the forty-five. (Left hand is blocking by left hip. Balance!)

Right hand shun chans out, down, and up. When it gets down to the level of the left hand, both come up in the classic move as your kwa opens to the left forty-five and your weight shifts to center and you fang song.

Now your left—

Grrrrr. I don't feel like explaining this.

Left hand shun chans downwards, right ni chans up as you close your kwa and turn to nine o'clock. Now your hands are one above the other, palms facing as if you're holding a stick upright between them.

Fingers of the right had point up; left down.

Now the left hand ni chans in towards your tantien turning into a squid while your right shun chans down to meet your left elbow, which is coming over and across to meet the right hand at center— while your right foot is hooking in towards the left toe and you're falling backwards—

Your right foot shoots back to provide the balance for this xinyi move. You "fall" back into a balanced stance that's weighted towards the rear (60/40) as your hand split the energy to deliver an elbow strike with the right elbow and a chop with the left hand (Xiao jie ling jing!) to the left forty-five.

Now the left hand ni chans so the thumb comes to the hollow of your right shoulder blocking/deflecting an incoming punch, and the right hand shoots out to the right forty-five to deliver a nice sliding strike to your opponent's ribs with your right forearm. Lots of peng in this move. Keep your wrist and elbow properly bent.

Now your right hand comes back to the left elbow, then both hands fajing! downwards to deflect (slap down on fist and elbow/arm) an incoming punch from the left forty-five.

To demonstrate how this works, Jonas had me punch to his solar pelxus. A real punch, he said. So I did. I tried. But it's difficult to deliver a real punch even when you know he'll successfully stop you...

By the time the demonstration was done my arm was very red— no bruises, though!

Jonas let everyone try the deflection on him then. (I noticed his arm got red, too.)

Then he had us try the deflection with rib strike on him, and he said to do it hard. So we did. Jonas must've felt his body was in need of conditioning...

I was tempted to have him try that strike on me— with Joe behind to catch me... but I didn't. Now I wish I had, though. It's good to know what these apps really feel like— still, Jonas did give everyone a little taste of the strike, the peng that pushes you back to the forty-five. A real strike would've felt very interesting.

We finished up the evening with moving push hands. I still haven't got much clue about how to attack or defend, but at least I could move around and keep the pattern going...

Kwan Yin, please send someone who know what he's doing to practice with me.


21: Wednesday

I woke today dreaming of applications. As I lay there between states, my right hand shot out to strike at ribs, and one leg kicked... it happened more than once.

I like this new app because I can do it. I think. and I probably dreamt it for the same reason. It has been a while since I dreamed practice.

Last night Jonas had us practicing strikes on him. "Chopping" strikes to his palm, finger strikes to his ribs. I did okay. But I always did the strikes best right after he had demonstrated them on me. Just feeling how the strike worked and having seen how it looked made such a difference in my execution. I wish I could recapture the experience without help.

When I'm following Jonas, everything I do is so much better— and easier, too. If only I had him clearly in my mind's eye.

pī = drape... over one's shoulders
pī = chop, split, strike


22: Thursday

Equinox. Beautiful day.

Dao juan heng and tui bu ya zhu are driving me nuts. My feet won't cooperate. Ironic. I worked so hard at the dojo to cultivate karate feet that point to the front, and now that I need 'em, they desert me!

The two sets of 24 Form I did first were very good. Coordinated. Wish the Chen would start flowing like that! But I haven't reached the relaxation point, I guess— and that's why I get no loft in my jump.

I got so frustrated today by dao juan heng that I decided to email Jonas. It took me forever to explain the problem I was having—

We're supposed to be moving straight backwards, but the whirling of the arms and the requisite fang song makes my feet shift so toes point to the forty-five. If I don't shift my feet I can't fang song— if I do, I'm sinking onto my back leg and that's just not correct. Not to mention it's then impossible to shift back and whirl on the other side— *sigh*

By the time I'd finished composing the email and hit "send," my session had timed out. I took that as a sign not to pester Jonas and instead practice a bit more to see if I could figure it out by myself....

Jonas is right when he says that we have enough information to answer most questions ourselves. But some answers are harder to find that others.


23: Friday

Yin tien. Last night the wind kicked up and we had some rain, but it's calm today.

Bo, sai, and tonfa. I had a memory glitch in 'tonfa ni, but I think I cleared it.

I had an email from a friend at the dojo asking how I was. Perhaps I should've sent a note for Sensei to post... ah, well. Shoulda-coulda-woulda. I responded that I was well and happy with my dicision, and look forward to studying taiji weapons. (Jonas, when are you going to schedule miao dao class?)

I was thinking again how strange it is that I've never seen the form I'm learning performed all the way through— I never saw it before I started lessons— I don't think... Unless Jonas demonstrated part of it at World Taiji Day— yes!— no, it wasn't a demonstration, he was informally showing it to someone that day and I was watching and wondering what it was... I remember being impressed by the qi and Jonas's precision, but I don't remember the form.

It's a shame I can't call up a vision of the correct forms when I practice; but that's the way it is. This time.


24: Saturday

Gorgeous day. Cool, a little breeze... incense and the mysterious music of the wind chimes...

Stretching... it gets easier...

I put the weights on ankles and wrists. Five and three pounders...

Two set of 24 form, feeling like a klutz...

One set of Chen sections one through watever, feeling even klutzier...

No weights: a little Chen...

I feel my arms are air... air...

But I can still feel my feet and my legs.

Oddly, dao juan heng seems less... wrong.


25: Sunday

An... a disquieting day. Unsettling.

Some kicking à la Jonas. Some lotus kicks. Some stretching. All things that I need to do to get where I want to go...

Where do I want to go? I wish I had a clear idea. But I can only see a faint path at my feet— a path that may not even be a path. I follow it because there's nothing else I can do. Where it goes is anybody's guess.

A very little Chen.


26: Monday

Yin tien and windy. The crows are calling and the chimes ringing: it sounds very wild.

Lotus kicks...

Stretching— squatting, really. Trying to get my butt down towards the floor while keeping my weight on my heels and not falling over...

One set of 24 form... coordinated! Feet and hands working together...

Some Chen...

Dao juan heng... tui bu ya zhu... I think it's improving... I have a long way to go.


Humid and rainy and dark. To the southeast, the city lights make an evil orange glow behind dark silhouettes of clouds... I smell a skunk.

Couldn't go to bed without trying dao juan heng and tui bu ya zhu again... this is a tough sequence to assimilate, but I'm getting closer each time.


27: Tuesday

Beautiful day... breezy, though.

"First you do it wrong and don't know it. Then you know there's an error, but not what. Then you realize what the error is, but can't correct it. Then you correct it."

— Ben Lo on learning taiji
as quoted in Martial Musings by Robert W. Smith


28: Wednesday

Heavy dew drops from the maple leaves. It's chilly this morning: 45º. The sun is just now warming the meadow and steam is rising from the grass where the sun touches. I'm up early; I can't sleep.

Class last night was... none of the words I can think of describe it.

We grappled, there on the cement floor. We grappled and laughed and learned... more than just taiji. I have bruises on my knees, but I don't care.

I've been asking myself lately, Why do I study taiji? Sometimes, lately, I've thought I only do it because there is nothing else, because I have nothing else in my life. I've thought it's an anchor to keep me from spinning off into the void. Or, perhaps, a place to hide from life.

But last night, after the grappling, as we were talking out in the cool dark, Jonas said, "I practice taiji every day, in everything I do." And Joe and Scott and Jonas and I talked a little about that, for it's true, not only for Jonas, but for me and the others, as well...

I said here, a while back, that I'm learning — at last! — to listen, not only in taiji, but in life. But there's more to it than just listening. You have to learn the correct way to respond to what you "hear."

Grappling last night was all about listening and what to do in response to what you hear. Taiji and life are one. I'm learning.

I will have made many mistakes before I'm done. I am glad I have found these people who are willing to let me make mistakes while I learn.

I wrote and told my teacher this. [ Letter ]


29: Thursday

Diamond bright stars in a deep sky... early. I can't sleep.

After my epiphany that taiji is life, I also realize that what has been bothering me about this journal is that I have tried to limit it. If taiji is life, I can't just write about taiji and expect it to make sense— can I? I have to write about everything, I think. And I don't know if I can do that.

Life. My life is totally screwed up. Except for the taiji part. But maybe, if my life wasn't screwed up, the taiji would be even better...

Ignoring any part of my life unbalances the whole. I can't ignore my feelings and expect my taiji to work. I can't ignore my taiji and expect my life to work...

My life. How do I put my life in order? How?


30: Friday

I can hardly believe the transformation that Tuesday's grappling has wrought in my life...

It came to me this morning that the possiblity exists that I might be able, with practice, to forge a man-woman relationship based on the principles of push hands. Imagine a relationship in which each person is awake to the principles and is constantly striving to listen and respond correctly to the other person, not only on a physical level, but also on spiritual, mental, and emotional levels, as well. Imagine that. Doesn't it blow you mind?

The problem is to find a partner. One who likes to practice, even when the going is difficult. One who wants to learn to listen and take the time necessary to learn how to respond correctly...

Later.

I'm feeling deflated now. Not suprising after this morning's euphoria.

I stopped at Jo's tonight. We talked while she stripped elderberries and I practiced dao juan heng and tui bu ya zhu and the new move that prompted our grappling session...

It's so much easier to get the moves when I can see Jonas.


Copyright © 2005 New Moon

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