One Way: A Taijiquan Journal: November 2005

November 2005

Ming Ruler

01: Tuesday

Another gorgeous day. Yellow and orange and red and green and blue... a capricious wind is bringing down bright leaves like rain. It's warm in the sun.
Stepping with my tea... Chen stepping...
Knee walking...
Shoulder stretches with my bo...
Today it dawned on me that I've been so busy being envious of Jonas's mastery of taiji, that I completely forgot that I'm a master in my own right— and in more than one Art! How could I have lost sight of my own worth so completely?
The magic Jonas works with taiji, I work in other areas. For one thing, I have mastered the "push hands" of the give and take between a man and a woman, the yin and yang balancing in the relationship between people who love and respect each other. I have this, after long, long practice— do I sound pompous? This mastery came only after many mistakes— a heavy investment in failure. And, oh, yes, I still make mistakes, but, as every "master" knows, there is never an end to learning.
There are other things I've mastered, too. I am a master in my own right. I have no reason to feel envious.
But I do!

02: Wednesday

Cool, breezy, and sunny.
Last night we arrived again at yan shou hong quan, and Jonas had us work again on— everything. But it was the fajing! of the punch that led him into remembering his Teacher Chen...
They used to practice in a draughty old barn. In winter, everyone showed up "in layers," and they would begin with practicing bagi; then, within minutes everyone would be stripped down to teeshirts...
Jonas said Teacher Chen's practice was very smooth, and as Jonas talked about Teacher Chen and his form, he began doing a section of the form, going along ever so smoothly, so relaxed and flowing that the fajing!s took you by surprise. So unexpected they were— and yet they did not interrupt the flow or the rhythm of the form. It was like watching passionate, punctuated poetry. (And I think Jonas doesn't know how good a student of Teacher Chen's he was. And I wonder if Teacher Chen knew.)
I hope I'll be able to do what Jonas did some day. And so I try... try to relax and let it happen...

03: Thursday

Sunny... but cool with a wild wind.
I woke again practicing, thinking I was in that draughty barn... I was alone there, though, yearning for company.
Today I began by making a Ming dynasty ruler. (Insert your own joke here, if you wish. I've probably already thought of it.) I used a piece of pine lathing. It turned out a useable ruler, but...I'll make another now that I know how to do it right. (I suppose I'll find out later that someone somewhere has been manufacturing them a dime a dozen!)
After that, stepping with my tea. Chen stepping...
A little yan shou hong quan...
I have left much undone this morning, and yet, deep down— so deep as to be neatly buried— I sense a rightness to where I am and what I'm doing that runs contrary to appearances on the surface of my screwed up life.
Tonight I'll make another ruler, and study the plans for the crossbow. I'll study my Chinese characters, too. And if there's time, perhaps I'll make a wooden chang dao from the pattern I took two weeks ago at Lorna's.
Sometimes I wish Jonas had a draughty barn to teach in.

04: Friday

Another gorgeous day...
Ming rulers are more difficult to make than I thought— no, that's not true: it's easy to make a serviceable ruler; it's difficult to make a pleasing and useful one. Art.
Some Chen. I am much more relaxed now— all over. Almost this practice is becoming like my Yang practice...
I still feel a little lost because of the speed of the last few lessons. It's nothing practice can't cure; I only wish I had more time to practice.
Yesterday, I was a little early for work, so I did a set up by the waterfall, overlooking the pond. Not one of my best sets, but I learn something each time nonetheless.

05: Saturday

Gorgeous day. Pale sun, leaves falling, but warm and sweet...
I worked on the ruler when I got up. I was cleaning up the markings with my needle files. Ten Ming inches to the Ming foot. That makes eleven long lines, plus nine more lines times ten for marking each "grain" within each inch... plus one long line bounding the "grain" lines...
It was a pleasant meditation.
When I began working on the ruler, the markings I had cut with the knife didn't look very even: most seemed crooked, hardly the even parallels of machined rulers. But I worked each mark with the files, cutting them deeper, and as I did so, the marks began to appear more true. What had been uneven, spidery cuts, deepened and grew more defined...
Looking at the finished piece, I was a little surprised to see how even the lines had become— even more surprised to find their measures were accurate.
So it is with taiji practice— with any practice. You work the pattern and each time cut a little deeper, define the pattern a little better...
I think I'll give this ruler to Jonas.

06: Sunday

Yintien. Cloudy and mild. My idiot neighbor insists on mowing all the leaves in the meadow and beyond.
Yan shou hong quan: I was right: there will never be an end to it. Practice!

07: Monday

Sunny and windy in Shangri-La. Mild, though.
During the night, I thought about the ruler. As I thought, it became more and more exaggerated. Each groove became wider and deeper to the point where it would be useless for acurate measuring. The more I thought about it, the worse it got...
But in the morning light, it was a finer piece. Not accurate to the thousandth of a "fen" (grain: millet), but a good, even measure, nonetheless. In the morning light, it is a pleasing instrument, if not perfect. It feels good in the hand: smooth and sharp. When I began it was only a leftover length of pine lathing.
My Chen taiji becomes exaggerated in my mind, too. But it's hard to find a way to set it aside to get an objective, daylight look at it. Perhaps I have to develop a faith that it is more beautiful and more accurate than it appears in my mind.

08: Tuesday

Pale November day. Cool and sunny, but the sky seems to have waxed paper over it.
Stepping with my tea...
Some Chen...
Last night Jonas told us he has taught his other class Opening Form through jin gang dao zhui so they could practice the principles on their own. Of course, he went through the moves as he was telling us this...
His fajing! (or "fali" as he's been calling it lately) is so effortless looking— but that comes of relaxation. When he then went into the silk reeling that brings one up into pounding, I watched fascinated as he coordinated hands and feet so smoothly. He laughed and said the other students were amazed that the feet had to be shun channed and ni channed, too. Then he just repeated that move over and over to demonstrate, winding and unwinding it...
Today I checked to see how my coordination was in that move. Mine seems okay to me, but I know it's not quite as together as Jonas's.
Dao juan heng has me puzzled today. I can't figure out how to get my hands into position for the "chops." I'll think on it a bit more, work it, and see if I can figure it out...
Monday night I went to Providence Tango and observed a class. It was just like our moving listening practice, and I saw that the dance relies on very subtle silk reeling work and listening between the partners. Jonas would be an excellent tango dancer.
Last night before class I gave Jonas the ruler. He thought it was neat. He says he's going to leave it out where people will see it and try to use it so they'll say, "Hey, man, your ruler is seriously screwed up!"
In class we pushed and did some application exercises. In one exercise, I had to do a high block to a fist coming at my face, and I kept doing the strangest things with that blocking hand— and I wasn't even doing a karate block. In fact, if they'd seen those blocks at the dojo, they'd've fired me before I could quit! I finally got it sorted out, but— oy.
Moving and listening are improving for me, I think. I find it easier to relax and so I "hear" a little better.
Jonas is going to try to schedule our first miao dao workshop this weekend. Yay!

09: Wednesday

10: Thursday

No practice, but I did email Jonas on Wednesday afternoon about my problems in juan dao heng, and today I got his answer. I had the movements of the hands during the step back messed up:
L: "Now, about my hands during this whirling..."
J: "From the arm break the front hand (which has controlled the elbow during the break) will ni chan towards the elbow (as if though guiding a fist into the elbow,) before clearing down and to the side, allowing the other hand to chop. This blocking hand should guide below the elbow of the chopping hand, so as not to get in the way."
L: "P.S. Hold miao dao workshop(s) when you will. Watching you playing with the chang dao in the "parking lot" last night, I decided that if I had to, I'd reschedule my own demise to be at the workshops. Cool stuff!"
J: "The miao/chang dao is a worthwhile pursuit. Hands down the best weapon form I've learned. Not to get ahead of myself, but afterwards we'll do a battlefield spear form Teacher Chen taught me. It too will fit nicely into the Mandarin Duck Formation."
Wow... how cool is that?!

11: Friday

Very cool (40º), but sunny. The leaves are dropping, but in the sheltered spots there are blazes of red and yellow.
Stepping with my tea... my hands felt the cold in spite of the mug of tea...
Juan dao heng... it took some slow work to sort this out, but I didn't feel the air's chill after the first minute!
Some Chen. Sections one and five... bad lotus kicks today; but other things were better.
There is this about Jonas: he remembers what it was like being a beginning student; and what is even more endearing is that he didn't always find taiji easy. Watching him now, you think it must have come easily to him, but, when we are pushing, he tells us about how he would often get stuck and not know what to do; when we practice, he'll mention how hard the moves were for him to get, or remind us that it took him a long time to learn to relax his hands. When we practice apps, he'll often tell us of some nasty bruise Teacher Chen would deliver when Jonas needed the lesson to be made clearer to him.
These stories and encouragements make it clear that hard work is the only Way, and knowing it was hard work for Jonas gives you real hope for yourself.

12: Saturday

Freeze last night. On the way to taiji, I taught Ma to say "hen tai lung!" (Way too cold!)
It was only 40º when I began practice, but up to 50º now. A gorgeous practice day.
Stepping with my tea... Chen kicks...
Lotus kicks...
Knee walking...
Knee striding while holding the 15 pound weights... (phew!)...
Juan dao heng... slowly putting it together, bit by bit...
The crossbow has me very puzzled. If I go by the "dimensioned" drawing, the stock is a whopping 27 Ming inches (34 English inches); but if I go by another illustration and assume the length of the leaves are drawn in proportion to the stock, it's a mere 21 Ming inches long (26 English inches)...
And that change in scale changes the distance between what I have been thinking of as the grip and the trigger. By the short measure my hand could fire the 'bow easily; by the long measure, my hand can't span the distance. But... I've been looking at the drawing and illustrations and wondering if, because I am used to 20th century projectile weapons, I've misled myself. Perhaps that curved piece behind the trigger is not a "pistol grip" at all. Perhaps the weapon is held such that the "dragon's mouth" of the hand rests in front of that projection, relaxed, supporting the weapon as the finger rests lightly on the trigger, or...
Aha! Look at the pictures. See how the soldiers are holding the 'bow? Not a grip!
I go slowly, softly... questions and mistakes arise and I dismiss them and go on...
I am jealous of those who can have the teacher's attention more often than I, but I know that, in the end, only my own practice will yield me success.
Push hands and listening practice, however, are another matter. Kwan Yin, please send me an accomplished practice partner— please!
Slowly and softly...
I've lost Ma. I went to pick her up from taiji and there was no one there! I was late because, evidently, my clock is off— slow. I wonder if she went to coffee with Cin— phone.
Yup. With Cindy.

13: Sunday

Another gorgeous day. I wish I could go to Lorna's to practice with the gang, but I can't afford the gas money or the time. Rats.
I've cut out my practice chang dao and have to glue it. Jo's sign has to be completed and I'm not happy with the design. And the Ming crossbow continues to perplex me— though I think that's because I haven't been able to clear all the preconceived notions out of my head. Odd that. I'd've never thought or imagined I could have so many preconceived notions about a thing about which I knew precisely nothing. I guess it has to do with my penchant for trying always to relate the unknown to the known, instead of of just accepting it as itself and letting it reveal itself in its own way in it's own time.
That's what Joe way trying to tell me last month when he chided me for "always trying to validate" what I know. I'm not trying to validate anything, but I am in the habit of relating what I don't know to what I do know, and that keeps me from seeing things as they really are. *sigh*
So. Some work, then two sets of 24 Form...
I wish I knew the apps— wish I could take Jonas's Wednedsay night class. If wishes were horses, we'd be over our heads in road apples.
I should do some more work...
Some Chen...

14: Monday

One set of Chen...

15: Tuesday

Cold and gray today.
Class was... very frustrating. Some bagi listening exercises devolved— evolved? into grappling and I felt very left out. Not that I really was left out, but... I have so little experience that I'm frustrating to play with and I also tend to hang back becase I don't know what I'm doing. How in hell am I ever going to learn if I have no one to practice with?! I hate taiji.

16: Wednesday

Warm and gray.
I hate taiji— more, I hate being alone.
No practice.

17: Thursday

Gorgeous day. Warm and sunny with a cool breeze. Excellent for practice.
Stepping with my tea... deep steps, being careful not to let knees go over toes... forwards and backwards, up and down the porch...
Two sets of 24 Form, one each side. Today the qi was solid between my hands: at points in the form I felt I had hold of a real opponent.
Some Chen...
Section five made my heart pound. I need more practice so I can relax here!
In section one, between yan shou hong quan and jin gang dao zhui, there's— there are a whole bunch of moves! Just as one comes up to pound... it's my toes. I worry about moving my toes/feet. I should probably just relax and not think about it for now.
Today I did a little research and thinking about arrow poison. The other night, Scott raised the question, "What was the general [Qi Jiguang] thinking?" meaning what was his reason for having his troops use poison on the arrows.
Aconite is not only a lethal poison, but it is also a useful medicine. Probably not lethal in quantities found on an arrow unless the wound itself was nearly so— though, it certainly wouldn't help, and a scratch would render the enemy incapacitated... it'd be disconcerting at the least.

18: Friday

Sunny and cold— with wind. Good for practice.
Stepping with my tea... my jeans are too tight, but I am dressed to go see Dr. Wang who is to help me discover what resources Brown can offer for my research into all things Ming...
Some 24 Form... left side...
Coordination is off today... and I am wondering how far I've strayed in Yang. I have the principles of course, but what fine points— if ever I had any— have I forgotten? It would be interesting to see David do the form— But why do I care? Unfinished business, I guess.

19: Saturday

Cold and clear. 27º when I started. The sun was low then, shining in my eyes, but it was warm...
Six sets of 24 Form, accompanied by odd thoughts. A strange nostalgia for Yang Style. As I went, I wondered again whether I had got any of it right, or whether I've been fooling myself all these years. My experience in the dojo has led me to distrust my learning abilities...
Jonas says I'm doing okay. But what does that mean? In the dojo it only meant you had a proper attitude, not any degree of competence in the Art.

20: Sunday

Sunny and cool.
I put the thick, dark blue satin ribbons on my middle fingers and practice fajing! Practiced until the tape broke and the ribbon went flying. I need to get some velcro... the ribbons made a nice snapping noise from time to time, but I'm not sure my fajing! was correct.
Later, at Jo's, I did a set of Chen on her deck. It was very slippery...
I wish I could incorporate the fajing! smoothly— the way Jonas did that night he was describing how Teacher Chen incorporated the fajing! so smoothly....
From teacher to student; from teacher to student; from teacher to student...
The other day Dr. Wang asked me if I taught taiji. I wonder, Will I ever teach real taiji?
(Dr. Wang is curator of the Gardner Collection at Brown. The collection is the foundation of the Asian Studies Department. I had a research consultation with Dr. Wang and he helped me find books— in Chinese, but with lots of pictures— for our reenactment project. Dr. Wang teaches taiji.)

21: Monday

Pale sun. Mild. Very, very noisy. Nevertheless.
Stepping... chang bu with the 15 pound weights...
My left shoulder is unhappy about weight lifting, so I'll leave it be...
Sections one and five... one and five... one and five...
The shadows are long, the pale sun is in my eyes even at noon. The year is drawing to a close... and yet the fall is only part of a circle, not an end; it's only itself, taking its place in its time...
Are we, our incarnate lives, part of a circle of existence? Is this embodiment of spirit only one phase of a cycle that repeats infinitely? Do we continue, changing like seasons, only knowing— aware of the season in which we presently live?
It would be nice to think so.

22: Tuesday

Gave Jonas the books I got from Brown to look at. Ancient Chinese Armor, Military Weapons, Historic Costumes. Cool books...

23: Wednesday

Cold and windy. There was snow in the high passes last night on my way to taiji. (Yesterday it poured rain until midafternoon— thunderstorms, too.)
Last year at this time I spoke no Mandarin, nor could I read a character of it— well, numbers, perhaps. Now I have a little understanding.
Today I have a pinch mark on my right palm from the lance exercise Jonas set us to last night: shun chan, ni chan, thrust. The same exercise he taught us last February. I had to use the wooden "lance," though; the metal one was too heavy for me. You've got to be careful of the wooden one, though, or you'll get nasty slivers!
Fifty reps on the drill. Each in our turn. All of us reported the same thing: at rep forty-five, the exercise came clear.
Jonas had all sorts of exercises for us last night. One for testing our "power lines" was to lean against one of the metal support poles in the basement feet in forward bow stance, palms wrapping around the pole thumbs upright together, so that the lao gong points could be felt against the metal. Now lift the forward foot and feel the energy move between the lao gong and the bubbling well on the bottom of the rooted foot... Neat.
The other exercises were two-person listening exercises. Pushing and countering...
I still have much to learn about grappling.
I miss kobudo. I miss the thwacking and working with another person to a fast, hard rhythm...
I hope we will start learning miao dao soon, and I hope I'll have someone to practice with.
Last night I watched Jonas working the pattern and working the apps and I noticed how his index finger seemed to lead everything. His hand seemed to rotate around that axis of a finger as the tip of the finger followed the circle. When it was my turn, I tried to do the same— and it seemed to work. I could feel the circle of energy become more solid as 'round and 'round my hand went. I've known the feeling before, but I never set my index finger leading before. Xiao jie ling jing!
Scott was being a smartass today and emailed everyone asking where he could order a 15 foot iron "lance." I found a place on the web that sells iron bar stock and sent everyone the link. By their chart: twelve feet of 1.49" round is... only 71 pounds, so 15 feet is... 87.7 pounds.
I didn't look up where to get industrial strength athletic supports.

24: Thursday

Snow. Big, fluffy flakes. It's mild and the air is still...
And I can't concentrate.
One set of 24 Form, nostalgia washing over me the while.
Perhaps I can't concentrate because there's so much I need to do.
It's Thanksgiving Day. I am thankful— no, not full of thanks, but I appreciative of what I have and how much I have been given...
If I had my own "Jonas" to practice with, my cup would be full— almost full.

25: Friday

Clear and cold. Yesterday's snow is melting, but not quickly...
Some stepping with my tea... going backwards, my left hip doesn't open enough— yet.
Some Chen... slowly, trying to stay relaxed... I'm worrying about making mistakes. I do a lot of things acceptably well, but now I'm worrying about details. I need to let that go.
My head is in a bad place today. I feel very left out of taiji and life...
The jerk next door isn't helping any with his constant noise: he's got a cherry picker and a compressor going not thirty feet away. Unbelievable noise. The sad thing is this is all work that could be done without machinery: he's washing windows!

26: Saturday

Pale, pale sun and 26º, but I didn't even need gloves.
For now, three sets of 24 Form... not ranked amongst my best.
Time to fetch Ma.
Later: Some Chen, some silk reeling by the wood stove.

27: Sunday

Sunny and warmer— 40º! Excellent practice weather...
Stepping with my tea... deep Chen steps that strengthen my legs. I've been feeling the muscles that support my knees this week, so I know I've got it right.
Some Chen... dao juan heng, up and down the porch, again and again... I think I'm getting it...
Sections one and five... lots of repetitions, trying to stay relaxed— my hands do, but the rest of me, well. Section five seems to make me very tense. I think I worry too much about what I don't know...
Some kicking a la Jonas...
Some 24 Form, remembering...
I've been remembering classes with David a lot lately— the early days. Perhaps because that was when he was still trying to teach taiji as a marital art and the exercises Jonas had had us doing are reminding me...
I don't know. When I do the 24 forms I always think of the applications— even though I hardly know them. To this day I hear David's teaching narrative: the names of the forms, the points to remember, visuals of the applications... it's like a vivid dream from long ago... it's fading now, but I've thought of it so often I may never forget completely...
Last week Jonas was very kind and patient with my ineptitude— so were the folks working with me in the exercises. But Jonas was watching out for me and when he saw I was stymied and couldn't figure a response, he stepped in to show me. That he actively demonstrated his belief that I'm worth teaching made me both feel good and do better.
Today I feel frustrated to the point of tears. I have so much to do...
I've been thinking I'd like to have my 24 Form corrected. Dr. Wang knows 24 Form, and he did say if I ever was interested... Joe kidded me last week saying how I used to complain that I couldn't find a teacher, and now I'm running into them everywhere. Yes, but how good are these teachers? Can any hold a candle to Jonas? David?

28: Monday

Stepping with my tea, thinking melancholy thoughts... it's gray and foggy today.
My left hip has opened up and my steps on that side improve.

29: Tuesday

I must remember to ask Jonas about dan bian. I don't think I have it correct.

30: Wednesday

Rain and warm.
No time for practice today: I have a Grant Application to complete. But I'd much rather work on last night's lesson: it was hard won for me!
Later:
Seems my feet have been wet all day... got wet dropping off that grant application.
Later, at Ma's a little— very little— practice and some qigong with a guy on PBS. The qigong made me tired; I didn't expect that. I'm going to bed.