The Madwoman's Journal
Copyright 1998 New Moon

July 1998

Wednesday: 29 July 98

"This must be Thursday," said Arthur to himself, sinking
low over his beer. "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
-- Arthur Dent in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe

It's Wednesday, but it feels like this has been a week of Thursdays. Some progress has been made on this site, but it goes slowly, slowly... yet I persist...I've made some rearrangements, added a few things to the Meditations... and there is a site that seems to deal with the nature of expressing complexly related ideas: HipBone. It seems Herman Hesse invented a game in one of his books... I'll investigate later.

I found HipBone and a neat addition to Meditation 2 when I did a search on Laurens van der Post. There was a Requiem for him there. Why does it always surprise me to find there are other people in the world who have read and admired the same authors I have?

Now I am tired. It's 3:46 am. I am going to bed.

Thursday: 30 July 98

Nothing is going right... I've lost my direction-- I don't even remember why I decided to try to put together this impossible site. It is impossible. There's no way I can interweave all the thoughts and feelings, all the little bits and pieces that come together--

I didn't get to see the X Files movie again. I didn't get to see it Monday, and I didn't get to see it Wednesday. I showed up at the theatre both times to find that the engagement had ended the day before. But why should this matter? I don't particularly care about the X Files; I know the movie maintains the status quo, ergo, nothing happens... why spend the money on disappointment? (See Entry: 6 Aug 98)

I went shopping. Over to Emerald Mall. I went to the music store; I've been buying tunes again-- first time in 15 years I've bought music to listen to, to sing along with, to enjoy. My budget is limited, however, I allow myself this indulgence. But there are so many, many choices... I often leave without buying because I can't decide. Then, today I came across Songs from the Night Before by David Sanborn. There was a cut titled "Spooky," so I bought it. (Fox "Spooky" Mulder)

As I was walking out through J.C. Penney-- their main entrance is through the Men's Department-- I noticed that there were some particularly fine silk ties. Not the usual run of ugly, blotchy things in dead "fashion" colors, but fine, subtly colored designs-- elegant-- the kind I used to keep an eye out for when I had the dressing of Bru, ever so long ago. Oh, how I miss dressing a handsome man! I suppose that's what attracts me to Agent Mulder. A handsome man for the dressing...

I bought the tie. On the way home I listened to the Sanborn tape, which was delightful. When I got home, I put on the tie and went for a walk. I stopped by my mom's. She liked the tie, too. And she knows how much I miss having a handsome man about-- mom's the one who brought me the catalog "Paul Fredrick Menstyle" because she knew how much I'd enjoy looking at the clothes, dreaming...

Ma asked about the movie. I told her the retrograde seemed to have kicked in early this time (Mercury goes retrograde the 31st), I hadn't seen it, but, on the bright side, I'd found a great tape, a beautiful tie, and the sunset driving home had been spectacular. Really, when you come down to it, what more can you ask for? An ice cold Sam Adams White Ale on a hot humid summer night. When I got home, I drank one, then I took off my tie. (It was really too hot for a tie.) Later I turned on the computer...

There was no getting anything useful done (it was Thursday by then). At three ayem I gave up and read X Files fiction (Hot & steamy! Try Lydia Bower's In the Ruins) over the Internet until seven in the morning, when it suddenly dawned on me anew that I am, most assuredly, a madwoman, and I need to document the madness or no one will ever believe it.

And now it's eight bells (8am). God grant me dreams of handsome men in suits & silk ties... I go to bed.

Addenda: 7 Sept 98: Another X-Files fiction link to Lynn Gregg's Basement Office. I heartily recommend her story Enders Switch.
Friday: 31 July 98

"There's husbandry in heaven; Their candles are all out."
        -- Shakespeare: Macbeth, II, 1, 5

I bethought me of this line while I was out walking this night. The haze hid all the stars. By coincidence, while I was walking I got to thinking about my thesis that writing is for an author very much what fishing is for a fisherman. That led me to remember the passage from "The Alhambra" that describes "sky fishing" for swallows. I looked up that passage, and Lo! it referred to Macbeth (Act I, Scene 6)! (See:Meditation 2) I love the way ideas interweave!

Tonight I'm listening to Donald Fagan The Nightfly , but I wish my tape deck was working so I could listen to the David Sanborn some more. I played that today while driving about in the truck. I like to immerse myself in music, kinda let it regroove my brain, set down a pattern that I can then call up again and again. Often when I'm writing I'll put on some conducive music and set it to repeat, in whole or in part, for hours on end until I'm done with writing, or done with the mood. I remember one novel and a play I wrote listening over a period of months almost exclusively to "Cavatina" and "Recuerdos de la Alhambra"-- there's the Alhambra again!-- on John Williams "Portrait of John Williams" album.

I thought a lot about writing today. I haven't been working on either the book or the screenplay, and I'm afraid I'll pay for that. I have been working on this site-- even though I'm convinced that I'm going about the whole thing bass-ackwards-- but, this site won't pay (it's just for me), and I really need to get back into the real writing and get some guts on the page...

I asked myself today "When is the last time you read a book, or saw a movie that evoked an emotional reaction?" It's been a long time-- unless you count the X Files fiction. Some of those stories definitely evoked an emotional response from me-- and not because of the sex. Those fan writers care very deeply about the characters and many of them are very talented writers, writing with great honesty and emotion. (Check out Sea's Favorites!) Of course there are some who fall into melodrama, some who haven't the gift. But, by and large, the fan fiction I have read has been worth the reading. I can't say that of the mainstream novels I've read lately. I can't remember the last time I felt for the characters in a novel or a movie-- Don Juan de Marco! That was a wonderful movie, and I felt for that character. If you haven't seen the movie, go rent it-- and it has a terrific soundtrack by Michael Kamen, to boot! You'll love it. Don't let the fact that it co-stars Marlon Brando put you off. He's excellent, and, for my money, you can't beat Johnny Depp! (By the way, if anyone has the Spanish words to "?Has Amado Una Mujer De Veras?" please send them to me. I-- and my [unfortunate] listeners-- will be eternally grateful whenever I sing along!)

I still can't think of a book with characters I gave a hoot about... Maybe Orson Scott Card's "Alvin," but... it wouldn't really bother me if I never found out what happened to him, and I know there's a new book out now. Ursula leGuin's wizard Ged, and the woman Tenar from the Earthsea series... too bad their story has been concluded-- or has it? Ms. leGuin, do you think you could write just one more book in that series? Please? Tell us what happens to Tehanu and Lebannen and whether they ever figure out what to do about an Archmage, if you can. I'd give a lot to read that story!

Okay, time for a little Spyro Gyra. "Three Wishes." If I had three wishes, what would they be...?

Please Note:
Ursula LeGuin, Orson Scott Card, and Douglas Adams all play for the Cisco Giants in the Cosmic Baseball Association.

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The Madwoman's Journal August Entries.
To check out the music mentioned try: All-Music Guide