14 February 99

The X-Files: Full Disclosure

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been.'" -- John Greenleaf Whittier

How much would you give if, when Scully turned her back on Mulder in the decontamination showers, he had said, "Hey, Scully, when did you get a tattoo?"* (Also: ***)

What if Mulder had turned around first?**

And how much would you give if Marita, contrite in her suffering, had said to Mulder, "There's something I've wanted to tell you... I've known it for a long time... but I couldn't... Alex... Alex Krycek is your sister Samantha." Now that disclosure would explain a lot, don't you think?

Writing is, as life, full of regrets, opportunities missed... but we writers go on. We do go on. Some of us more than others....

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* Remember, Mulder inspected Scully's back during the power outage on their first case together. He knew she didn't have any tattoo then! Of course, I suppose she may have had it removed, but I doubt it-- that would have been too sensible for Scully given the conditions of its acquisition.

** I am reminded of a story:

There was an accident, and three women died. One of them was a nun. The women found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Well, ladies," he explained, "to get into Heaven you must each answer a question."

"Are they difficult questions?" the nun asked.

"Well, some are more difficult than others, depending on individual circumstances. Don't worry," he said. Then, he turned to the first woman, and asked, "What was the name of the place where the first man and woman lived?"

Relieved, the woman answered quickly, "That's easy! Garden of Eden."

"Right you are!" said Saint Peter. "Go on in." He turned to the next woman and asked, "What was the name of the first man?"

"Adam!" she said, smiling.

"Right you are! Go on in!"

"Well, that wasn't so bad," said the nun watching the woman go. "My turn."

"Yes," said Saint Peter, "Well, as you are a professional, so to speak, your question will be a bit more difficult."

"Fair enough," the nun replied, smiling hopefully.

"Right then. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

The nun thought, then looked up at Saint Peter. "Oh, my," she said, "that's a hard one."

"Correct!" said Saint Peter. "Go right on in."


*** 27 March 99: I caught a rerun of "Never Again." Mulder knew about the tattoo. So, my guess is he'd have had to sing:

"Lydia, the Tattooed Lady:"

Sung by Groucho Marx in "At the Circus"
Music by Harold Arlen; Lyrics by E.Y. Harburg

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
She has eyes that folks adore so,
and a torso even more so.
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
Oh Lydia The Queen of Tattoo.
On her back is The Battle of Waterloo.
Beside it, The Wreck of the Hesperus too.
And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue.
You can learn a lot from Lydia!


When her robe is unfurled she will show you the world,
if you step up and tell her where.
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree,
or Washington crossing The Delaware.


Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
When her muscles start relaxin',
up the hill comes Andrew Jackson.
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
Oh Lydia The Queen of them all.
For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz,
with a view of Niagara that nobody has.
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz.
You can learn a lot from Lydia!


Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso.
Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso.
Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon.
Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on.


Here is Grover Whelan unveilin' The Trilon.
Over on the west coast we have Treasure Isle-on.
Here's Nijinsky a-doin' the rhumba.
Here's her social security numba.


Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
Oh Lydia The Champ of them all.
She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet.
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat.
And now the old boy's in command of the fleet,
for he went and married Lydia!

I said Lydia...
(He said Lydia...)
They said Lydia...
We said Lydia, la, la!

Lydia .wav file
Marx Brothers songs .wav files

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