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18 March 2001

I didn't practice today, but it was a good day none the less. Today, I figured out why I write keep this journal.

I didn't practice because I had gotten caught up in writing about the events of March 13th. Explaining my thoughts and feelings turned into a real brain-breaker, and after too many hours I began to wonder why I was bothering, who would care, what was the point. But I kept at it...

Long about four o'clock I couldn't stand it any more and I walked over to Ma's. While I foraged, I got to telling Ma about it, about the writing, and, even though golf was on, Ma sat with me at the kitchen table and listened...

I explained what I was writing about. She was there, too, but she didn't see any of it the way I did. Still, when I told her how I saw it, she listened, and she seemed interested... amused... entertained. And it seemed to make her think, too, about what had happened, about me, about the world...

Then I asked her, "Ma, should I put this in the journal?" And without hesitation, she said, "No." It was all too personal. Too revealing. Too easily misunderstood.

Well, that "no" crystalized my thoughts about the journal as nothing else ever has. I suddenly realized exactly why that "no" was the wrong answer, and why the answer had to be "yes."

You see, all I've got is what I've learned. Those precious few things are the only things of value I have. They're the only things worth sharing with others. And if I don't share them, all my hard work, all the pain of that learning will be wasted. My journal is about sharing what I know with others in the hope that my experiences can shed some small amount of illumination on the path we tread.

I'm still working on the entry of the 13th. It's a tough one. And maybe when you've read it you'll think I shouldn't have bothered. So be it.


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