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15 November 2000

A bad night. Usually the t'ai chi makes me feel better, but not tonight. I did well, I think. I didn't get corrected too often— of course, that could just mean the instructor has given up on me, I suppose. But, no. I did do well. And I felt the chi flowing very nicely as we practiced "Heaven's Breath," but... I just couldn't get with the program.

It was raining tonight, but after I dropped Ma off, I went for a walk. I walked back over towards the school, and it wasn't raining much then, so I got to hoping there'd be enough light that I could take the school's Nature Walk path through the woods. I really wanted to walk in the woods. But the cloud cover was too heavy for the past-full moon's light to make a dent and I couldn't see well enough once I got into the woods proper. And the water was very high, too, and the footing was a bit treacherous, so I headed back out and made do with walking around town. Very unsatisfactory it was.

On the way back I noticed that one of the town cops was parked in the school's driveway. I meandered over and asked him what the proper procedure is these days for transporting guns and he filled me in. (He wasn't one of the cops who came looking for me that night.) And then we got to talking about this and that and other things. He told me that rainy nights are usually quiet, and he'd been listening to a talk radio show before I came along... we talked for quite a while. For instance, cops are interested in the outcome of the election because of who might get appointed to the Supreme Court. See, the Court's decisions will affect police procedures—

It was interesting, but it didn't make me feel any better. Same as t'ai chi.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel I want to lash out, break something, hurt someone—

And what is this hurt in my gut I didn't know I had? I haven't felt like this in a long time...

As you enter my kitchen from the foyer, look on the righthand wall. There's a six-year-old NewGate poster taped there. Lift it up. See the hole in the plasterboard? See the chimney bricks? I was lucky. I punched between the studs that time. And I'm luckier still that when I strike at people, I usually resort only to shouted words.

Why do people who are hurting lash out to hurt others?

I need some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will bring an answer to what's causing my pain. I hope so. Because if it doesn't, I'll have to go looking. I don't want to have to get the stud finder out.


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